[poll] WWII Historical Fiction

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With all the DoD and MoH I play, its no wonder this popped out of my head. Its the first in a series of five about these two men. Told by the men, as a recollection of their battles.

Ardennes Forest, World War Two

Jeff: I was a heavy weapons man. When we left our broken down farmhouse that we had been staying in for the last three days, they handed me a BAR and a pistol, with four clips of ammo, two more for the pistol. I had no idea where we were going, or why each of us was given demolitions gear.

Alber: We were heavily entrenched, and had been taking out occasional Allied scouting parties. My bolt-action rifle had thirty has marks. It had six when I went into this godforsaken forest. We thought one man may have escaped after the last attack, and now we were standing guard.

Jeff: We set out on foot through the woods, moving like banshees. As we moved northwest, taking cover in some rock formations, we spotted a tower. I knew now why we had the demolition charges. I spotted a man on the ridgeline, and we hid, waiting to see how many there were. We were twenty-one strong, but we were nothing to a tank.

Alber: There were six men covering our radio tower. With the radio in the entrenchment, we were doomed. The first man down carried a rifle. If only he had seen them coming.

Jeff: Jackson, the other heavy weapons man in the squad, was the first to kill, and the first to go down. We lost two men, him and Peters, one of our riflemen. We had them brought back to our deployment area by our medics, who returned once they got them there. Lt. Smith tossed me Peters’ Garand. We needed every gun we had. We used Peters’ and Jackson’s demolition charges on the tower, grabbed those lovely German rifles, and ran. Two of them were scoped. These were what killed our men. We booked it due north, hiding under the ridgeline. There was no radio at the tower, so we scouted for an entrenchment.

Alber: The explosion right after the gunfire knocked out our communications with the base, so we sent out some of our crew of sixty, with one of our two panzershreks. They crouched behind some rocks and laid in wait for the Americans.

Jeff: There as a stand of trees near a rock formation. When they opened fire on us, we took cover in them. When the panzershrek round ripped through the trees, we lost three men. I took out three with my BAR before my clip ran out; Peters’ rifle scored another one. Six more gerries were shot, not counting the k98 round that ripped through the ‘shrek’s skull. They had three more rounds for the panzer. We planned to put them to good use.

Alber: When we heard only one explosion from the panzershrek, we figured we were safe. An explosion rocked the building, and we took up arms. Ten men were killed with that single shot.

Jeff: Lt. Smith and I hid as I reloaded his new panzershrek, rifle rounds and MP40 bullets exploding into the trees and snow around us. Three more of our men fell, and I grabbed my BAR to cover the Lieutenant as he aimed, putting another two of them out as I did. Another panzer round rushed past me, flying into a different window. We hit the ground again.

Alber: My commander, myself, and two other men escaped, running up the ridgeline and hiding our force already halved by this group of Americans. We watched as the battle played out. Our men fell quickly to the Americans, overwhelmed in skill and determination.

Jeff: We used the last panzer round, and rushed the bunker. When all was said and done, we had lost twelve men. There were more than fifty Germans dead. We took all the supplies we could carry, piled the rest in the basement, and used out charges on it. We ran back to our base of operations, and when we reached it, we heard the explosion. It knocked down trees and sent rubble in all directions. I bet the bastards saw it in Berlin.

Alber: We ran when the Americans did, knowing what was coming. It wasn’t enough. Debris grazed my right side, and a pipe ripped through my commander and another man. I looked at my last surviving companion. We ran faster.
Thanks. :D I'm planning on doing one more in the Ardennes, one in Normandy, and two in Russia. I may expand beyond that, or turn it into a videogame. Either way, it'll be fun.
The style is very odd, but I think you and it have a lot of potential. Try writing it in the third-person, rather than shifting between two narrators, because that makes it sound more like a play rather than a story, which is what I think you are intending it to be. Also, in my honest opinion, I think that you should repick the names for your characters. If it were me, I would give their full names, along with their rank and last names.

However good work.
Ryan, thanks for the constructive criticism. :) I wasn't actually trying to make it like a play or a third-person story, but a retelling by those who were there. As for the full names and ranks, I haven't really hashed those out yet. Thanks again, though! Jweng, thanks to you as well.
It was OK. Frankly, if you're going to do it this style, I recommend that you actually read soldier recollections and some good stories. Yours reads more like a military action report, rather than story being told by a couple of guys.
Quacker, I've read quite a few (At Dawn We Slept being the latest WWII related book I've read), and I was trying to mesh the two styles, first person recollections and report, into something that comes out all right. As this is the first of five (or more) that I plan to do, there's going to be plenty of room for adjustment. Thanks for the advice. :)
Well, I can't remember authors off the top of my head, but the next time I get a chance I'll take a look. I read a lot of the fantasy genre as well, Terry Goodkind and David & Leigh Eddings are my favorite authors of all time.

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