Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven:
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
------------------------
"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
------------------------
What do you call a lead guitar player with half a brain?
Gifted.
------------------------
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
on-key singer, an off-key singer player, or Santa Claus?
The off-key singer. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
-------------------------
What is usually said when a drummer has to wear a three piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."
-------------------------
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.
-------------------------
How do you improve the aerodynamics of bass player's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
--------------------------
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bass player in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
---------------------------
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
---------------------------
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
---------------------------
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
--------------------------
In the 22nd century..how many bass players will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
--------------------------
Why are bass guitars smaller than electric guitars?
They really are the same size, but the guitarist's' heads are bigger.
--------------------------
Why are band breaks limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the keyboard players.
-------------------------
Why bury guitar drummers 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..
-------------------------
Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish .. and the tuna smells better too.
------------------------
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) -None; the drummer can do that with his left hand.
2) -Don't bother...just leave it out ..no one will notice
3) -One ..but the guitarist has to show him first
4) -One. Five. One. Five...
5) -Six..one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light..
-----------------------
Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.
The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.
The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use light or extra light strings to get good lead guitar breaks?"
--------------------
How can you tell when a singer is at you door?
He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
-------------------
If you drop a drummer and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
------------------
What's the difference between a lead player and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
-----------------
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
---------------------------
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
---------------------------
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
--------------------------
In the 22nd century..how many bass players will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
--------------------------
Why are bass guitars smaller than electric guitars?
They really are the same size, but the guitarist's' heads are bigger.
--------------------------
Why are band breaks limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the keyboard players.
-------------------------
Why bury guitar drummers 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..
-------------------------
Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish .. and the tuna smells better too.
------------------------
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) -None; the drummer can do that with his left hand.
2) -Don't bother...just leave it out ..no one will notice
3) -One ..but the guitarist has to show him first
4) -One. Five. One. Five...
5) -Six..one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light..
-----------------------
Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.
The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.
The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use light or extra light strings to get good lead guitar breaks?"
--------------------
How can you tell when a singer is at you door?
He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
-------------------
If you drop a drummer and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
------------------
What's the difference between a guitarist and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
-----------------
What's the definition of an optimist?
A drummer with a mortgage.
----------------
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
---------------
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking drummer player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on guitar $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500
-----------------
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
[ ]Telling drummer player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bassist player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Life of Jim Morrison" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to manager of cheap bar that you are "into guitar playing" $10
-----------------
BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking singer to sing louder $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during first song in solo's $100
-----------------
A Dear Abby Letter:
Dear Abby,
I think my wife is cheating on me.
I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said, "Sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with." He agreed.
Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3. Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?
Thanks,
Very Concerned
-----------------------
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"
The guide crouched down fearfully, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo!"
------------------
A group of crooks hijacked a plane full of bass players on the way to a convention (bass players have conventions?). They called down to ground control with the list of their demands and threatened that if their demands weren't met, they would release one bassist every hour.
-----------------
A rock musician dies and finds himself in heaven. He runs into an old friend and says, "Bob, you made it too, that's great."
"Yeah, turns out God's a big jazz fan. All of the cats are here, and every day is a non-stop jam session with a never-ending supply of wine, women and food. There's just one drawback."
"What's that?"
"Well...God has a girlfriend..... and she's a singer......"
-----------------
A drummer goes into a music store and tells the clerk that he thinks he can earn more money if he can double on a second instrument. He wanders around the store, then tells the clerk,"I'm not sure which I want -- the red trumpet on the shelf or the accordion leaning against the wall," the clerk says, "I can sell you the fire extinguisher... but the radiator has to stay."
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
------------------------
"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
------------------------
What do you call a lead guitar player with half a brain?
Gifted.
------------------------
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
on-key singer, an off-key singer player, or Santa Claus?
The off-key singer. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
-------------------------
What is usually said when a drummer has to wear a three piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."
-------------------------
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.
-------------------------
How do you improve the aerodynamics of bass player's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
--------------------------
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bass player in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
---------------------------
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
---------------------------
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
---------------------------
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
--------------------------
In the 22nd century..how many bass players will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
--------------------------
Why are bass guitars smaller than electric guitars?
They really are the same size, but the guitarist's' heads are bigger.
--------------------------
Why are band breaks limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the keyboard players.
-------------------------
Why bury guitar drummers 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..
-------------------------
Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish .. and the tuna smells better too.
------------------------
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) -None; the drummer can do that with his left hand.
2) -Don't bother...just leave it out ..no one will notice
3) -One ..but the guitarist has to show him first
4) -One. Five. One. Five...
5) -Six..one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light..
-----------------------
Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.
The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.
The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use light or extra light strings to get good lead guitar breaks?"
--------------------
How can you tell when a singer is at you door?
He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
-------------------
If you drop a drummer and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
------------------
What's the difference between a lead player and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
-----------------
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
---------------------------
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
---------------------------
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
--------------------------
In the 22nd century..how many bass players will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
--------------------------
Why are bass guitars smaller than electric guitars?
They really are the same size, but the guitarist's' heads are bigger.
--------------------------
Why are band breaks limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the keyboard players.
-------------------------
Why bury guitar drummers 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..
-------------------------
Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish .. and the tuna smells better too.
------------------------
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) -None; the drummer can do that with his left hand.
2) -Don't bother...just leave it out ..no one will notice
3) -One ..but the guitarist has to show him first
4) -One. Five. One. Five...
5) -Six..one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light..
-----------------------
Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.
The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.
The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use light or extra light strings to get good lead guitar breaks?"
--------------------
How can you tell when a singer is at you door?
He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
-------------------
If you drop a drummer and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
------------------
What's the difference between a guitarist and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
-----------------
What's the definition of an optimist?
A drummer with a mortgage.
----------------
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
---------------
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking drummer player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on guitar $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500
-----------------
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
[ ]Telling drummer player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bassist player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Life of Jim Morrison" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to manager of cheap bar that you are "into guitar playing" $10
-----------------
BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking singer to sing louder $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during first song in solo's $100
-----------------
A Dear Abby Letter:
Dear Abby,
I think my wife is cheating on me.
I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said, "Sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with." He agreed.
Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3. Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?
Thanks,
Very Concerned
-----------------------
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"
The guide crouched down fearfully, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo!"
------------------
A group of crooks hijacked a plane full of bass players on the way to a convention (bass players have conventions?). They called down to ground control with the list of their demands and threatened that if their demands weren't met, they would release one bassist every hour.
-----------------
A rock musician dies and finds himself in heaven. He runs into an old friend and says, "Bob, you made it too, that's great."
"Yeah, turns out God's a big jazz fan. All of the cats are here, and every day is a non-stop jam session with a never-ending supply of wine, women and food. There's just one drawback."
"What's that?"
"Well...God has a girlfriend..... and she's a singer......"
-----------------
A drummer goes into a music store and tells the clerk that he thinks he can earn more money if he can double on a second instrument. He wanders around the store, then tells the clerk,"I'm not sure which I want -- the red trumpet on the shelf or the accordion leaning against the wall," the clerk says, "I can sell you the fire extinguisher... but the radiator has to stay."
![RoM - [TR]](https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/6356843a4aeaa3a7bb4acbf335b00554?s=96){kind=avatar}
