i need help with school -.-

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sKittlez.AiM.

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ok i would like to know your inputs on my Post secondary ESSAY!!!!!! :cursing:

Post Secondary Education Research Paper
​


1) The occupation I plane to have in the future is Computer technician. I would like to program some cool video games. The degree I will earn is, a Bachelor of Science. I will major in Computer Designing. My top school choice is Johnson County Community College (JCCC). I will finish my degree in 2015.

2) There are many entry requirements for JCCC. First students must have a high school diploma. You have to have an ACT exam and you have to score at or above the national level. Students can also take the SAT; you must score at or above national level. Students must have a high school GPA of 3.0 or above. $65 per credit hour, but the whole semester is $1,105 for JCCC residents. The prices are different for other Kansas counties. The cost for these counties is $80 per credit hour. The cost for the whole semester is $1,360. The cost is TERMENDOUS for out of state people. It?s $149 per credit hour for out of state people. For the whole semester it costs $3,043. There are no dorms; I will live in an apartment near JCCC. An apartment that is across the street is The Preserve. I will live there with a room mate; we will split $600 ($300 each). I will not need a car, which will save me money. I will walk to the campus. Because I will not have to pay gas for getting to school, I will save me a huge wad of cash. I will have to buy for food since it is not in a dorm room. I will spend around $1,000 of food a month.

3) I picked JCCC as my top school choice because it?s close to my hometown, making my payment for each semester less. I like the fact my friends will be there, and that there is a beautiful place to live. One thing that makes me dislike the school is the fact that I will not be able to be outside much, because I have to study a lot. I plan on paying for my job, by working all night at a food joint.

4) My career choice of computer game designer makes me feel great, because I get to do what I want. I love technology and I love gaming. My top school choice makes me feel good because I will have many friends there. My parent thinks my choice is very wise, because they will not have to pay as much since JCCC is in state. My parents think my career choice fits me perfectly, since they see me on a computer almost 5+ hours a day. Programming different things day in and day out. They think my school choice could?ve been better, but they didn?t give me any examples. The only pro they have to it is the fact it?s in state and close to home.


I DO NOT WANT TO BE KNOWN AS A CHEAT SO PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME ANY INFORMATION THAT COULD BE CONSIDERED CHEATING, ONLY INFORMATION THAT COULD HELP ME MAKE THIS PAPER AN A :) thank you

if i am not aloud to post these types of things, i am sorry -.-
 
If this is a serious research paper, it's the shortest I've ever seen.

Suggestions:
-Does the community college actually offer a BS in Computer Designing? I've never heard of it, and the website (I Googled it) doesn't seem to show it, either. A "Computer Technician" probably won't be designing games, they'll be fixing computers. Might want to take a look into that, you're thinking of a BS in Computer Science, I think.

-"Tremendous" is spelled wrong

-You have a lot of very choppy sentences, particularly in the second paragraph. I'm a huge advocate of combining things into bigger sentences when possible.

-Also in paragraph 2, you probably want to replace "huge wad of cash" with "a lot of money".

-Paragraph 4: You should change it to "see me on a computer for more than five hours per day, often programming many different things", because the current version is choppy and doesn't sound right.

Your premise makes sense, but these are a couple of the most glaring issues I found reading it over. Granted, I'm not an English major (mechanical engineer), so don't believe I'm 100% right here; I could very well be wrong.
 
hey thank you alot so far guys, and i am not fully finished with my paper it has to be 100 words long and that is only barley grzing 500 -.-
 
jeod66 said:
If this is a serious research paper, it's the shortest I've ever seen.

Suggestions:
-Does the community college actually offer a BS in Computer Designing? I've never heard of it, and the website (I Googled it) doesn't seem to show it, either. A "Computer Technician" probably won't be designing games, they'll be fixing computers. Might want to take a look into that, you're thinking of a BS in Computer Science, I think.

-"Tremendous" is spelled wrong

-You have a lot of very choppy sentences, particularly in the second paragraph. I'm a huge advocate of combining things into bigger sentences when possible.

-Also in paragraph 2, you probably want to replace "huge wad of cash" with "a lot of money".

-Paragraph 4: You should change it to "see me on a computer for more than five hours per day, often programming many different things", because the current version is choppy and doesn't sound right.

Your premise makes sense, but these are a couple of the most glaring issues I found reading it over. Granted, I'm not an English major (mechanical engineer), so don't believe I'm 100% right here; I could very well be wrong.
Click to expand...

+1
 
jigglypoof said:
1) The occupation I plane to have in the future is Computer technician. I would like to program some cool video games. The degree I will earn is, a Bachelor of Science. I will major in Computer Designing. My top school choice is Johnson County Community College (JCCC). I will finish my degree in 2015.
Click to expand...

First, plan* not plane.
Second, as stated before Computer Design may not be a degree offered, so try and do a little more research on their degrees available for the college and see which would best help design computers.
Third, Click here to see their degrees available. There are some that would better suit your career.

Here is how I would re-write this first bit to give you an idea of a slightly better flowing introduction:

As a future graduate from Johnson County Community College (JCCC), I plan on becoming a video game programer with the (Insert Degree of Choice Here) degree I earn over the (Insert Number Here) year period. I would like to take the degree and apply it to become an employee at a leading company in the video game production field.

Again, just a suggestion, you do not have to use that paragraph, I just meant it as an example to help your paper flow a little better.

2) There are many entry requirements for JCCC. First students must have a high school diploma. You have to have an ACT exam and you have to score at or above the national level. Students can also take the SAT; you must score at or above national level. Students must have a high school GPA of 3.0 or above. $65 per credit hour, but the whole semester is $1,105 for JCCC residents. The prices are different for other Kansas counties. The cost for these counties is $80 per credit hour. The cost for the whole semester is $1,360. The cost is TERMENDOUS for out of state people. It’s $149 per credit hour for out of state people. For the whole semester it costs $3,043. There are no dorms; I will live in an apartment near JCCC. An apartment that is across the street is The Preserve. I will live there with a room mate; we will split $600 ($300 each). I will not need a car, which will save me money. I will walk to the campus. Because I will not have to pay gas for getting to school, I will save me a huge wad of cash. I will have to buy for food since it is not in a dorm room. I will spend around $1,000 of food a month.
Click to expand...

First, I would make this flow a little better.
Second, work on the spelling and don't capitalize the entire word "tremendous."
Third, I like the fact that you have all the numbers figured down to the nearest dollar however, maybe you can find a different way to present all the numbers. It looks more like a business quarterly meeting than an essay. Please do not take offense, I truly am only trying to be beneficial to your essay.
Fourth, as stated before, statements like "huge wad of cash" should be changed to more professional phrases like "a lot of money."
Fifth, do you plan on eating out every day for every meal? For me at least, $1000 a month in food seems a little high. I spend around $225 every week to feed me AND my girlfriend. We go up to $1000 sometimes in a month when we eat out or cook some fancy meals.



3) I picked JCCC as my top school choice because it’s close to my hometown, making my payment for each semester less. I like the fact my friends will be there, and that there is a beautiful place to live. One thing that makes me dislike the school is the fact that I will not be able to be outside much, because I have to study a lot. I plan on paying for my job, by working all night at a food joint.
Click to expand...

First, I wouldn't start your new paragraph off with more about how going to JCCC is financially smart. I think you have plenty established that in the second paragraph.
Second, I would go more into detail about more things you like about the college, this will also help you with the 500 words you need to complete the essay.
Third, I think you meant that you will be paying for your college tuition and not paying for your job.
Fourth I would not say "working all night at a food joint." Instead I would say something along the lines of: "I plan on paying for my college tuition by working at a local restaurant during the night shift while I take classes during the day."

4) My career choice of computer game designer makes me feel great, because I get to do what I want. I love technology and I love gaming. My top school choice makes me feel good because I will have many friends there. My parent thinks my choice is very wise, because they will not have to pay as much since JCCC is in state. My parents think my career choice fits me perfectly, since they see me on a computer almost 5+ hours a day. Programming different things day in and day out. They think my school choice could’ve been better, but they didn’t give me any examples. The only pro they have to it is the fact it’s in state and close to home.
Click to expand...

First, I would start your opening with something more professional like: "Computer game design is very exciting to me and I know I will be happy with this career choice because I find this field very interesting."
Second, The way you are currently writing makes me feel like you made bullet points of things you thought of and just put them into sentences. Try and make everything flow a little better by using transitions and combining some of the sentences.
Third, instead of saying "...since they see me on a computer almost 5+ hours a day." you should say "since they see me on the computer around five hours a day, if not more." I was always taught to spell out numbers in essays unless the number is over 100.
Fourth, I wouldn't end your essay putting JCCC down. You can put your parents' opinion on there still, but try and leave the reader on a positive note to put them in a good mood.


General Pointers:
1) Try and make the paper a tad more professional
2) Group some sentences together and make the paper flow a little more overall
3) Are there supposed to be numbered paragraphs in this paper or is it supposed to be an essay format? If it is supposed to like a college essay, then I would get rid of the numbered paragraphs and use transition sentences to make the paragraphs go smoothly from one to the other.


I hope these pointers have helped. I'm in no way saying this is all good advice, it is just my opinion. Like jeod66 said, I am not an English major, but rather an Architectural Engineering one... so I could definitely be mistaken in some of my advice. Good luck and PM me if you ever need some other help.
 
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Can you tell us what the exact prompt is? Also, just because you use spell checker does not mean the words are correct ;) You do not plane to go anywhere, you plan to :)
 
lol, that was a weird mistake i have never spelled plan plane, i was probably messed up when i was at school 0.0.....
2) i do not get how my goals are wrong?

EDIT: oh my rank is under 500 0.0
 
I really liked what TahoE said. Most of those thoughts occurred to me while I was reading it also...

As stated, the degree choice it wrong (community colleges usually only offer 2 year associate degrees). But..I would go deeper. Do you plan on going to a university afterward? Which one and for what degree (BS in computer science?) I would discuss how your time at JCC is an important stepping stone to "insert University name".

I'm not sure I would mention at all about spending 5+ hours a day "playing" on the computer. You don't want the counselor to think your a game junkie who will slack off and not do his work.

I do NOT like paragraph number two. Being blunt, what are you conveying? The reader (counselor) will already know the cost and requirements to get into JCC. How does this relate to YOU? Take out the entire cost of tuition part. Not needed.

I like the latter part of paragraph two though...about how you have already thought out/planned your living expenses.

As stated by others also, take out the "dislike" part in paragraph three. DO talk about it's beautiful campus, diverse courses, friends there, etc...
 
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