- Joined
- Jul 9, 2009
- Messages
- 427
I wrote a story.
I want you to read it.
I want you criticize it as harshly as necessary. Tell me I suck if you have to.
This links to the story on Google Docs
Or you can read it here on the forum, but I don't suggest it. There's no formatting.
I want you to read it.
I want you criticize it as harshly as necessary. Tell me I suck if you have to.
This links to the story on Google Docs
Or you can read it here on the forum, but I don't suggest it. There's no formatting.
Cynthia was always outside playing with her younger brother and sister. She loved the outside because she felt she was one with nature; the wind never fought her, it always guided her and whenever she was sad and cried; nature would also cry with her. She had been playing freeze tag, her favorite game. She loved being ?it,? because it made her feel as if she possessed some of nature.
They'd been playing for about an hour now. Her brother, Darius, and her sister, Felicity, were famished and could no longer defend themselves against Cynthia's speed and remarkable agility -- not to mention that the wind was incredibly fierce today and always working against them.
Their mother had just prepared a large key lime pie and placed it on the picnic table where they all gathered around to snatch a piece. Darius, having craved it for so long, snatched the entire pie so he could cut himself a nice, large slice. Felicity wasn't too thrilled about it, but before she could insult him, their mother quickly commanded him to hand it over to her. As he lifted it, a large gust of wind rushed past the table and knocked the pie into Darius' face.
?Haha, that's what you get you greedy pig,? laughed Felicity.
Their mother didn't like such insults and warned, ?Now, now Felly, that's no way to speak to your brother, now apologize or you'll be on dinner duty tonight.?
Felicity insincerely apologized, but was not commanded to say it proper. Their mother, Destiny, was busy inspecting Cynthia. Just a minute ago she was having all the fun in the world, and now she seems so cold and lifeless. She knew her daughter didn't like to sit still, but she would normally be enlightening the family with stories of her days in the forest to pass time until she could go back to her adventures. The stories she told were filled with so much life and detail. It was as if her daughter truly believed she experienced such events. Her most moving story told of her husband named Arutan whom she'd met while relaxing in the branches of her favorite apple tree. Her mother, as well as her other children, were puzzled when they saw an actual ring on her finger; they refused to believe her stories could possibly be true. Cynthia described him as magical. He spoke a language she had never heard before, but somehow, she understood him. Everything he touched was given new life: the dead plants would become green again, the fruit trees would bear instantly, and the flowers would blossom and fill the air with their sweet scent. She loved him with all her heart. There had been many stories before that involved him, but it was only in her most recent that she referred to him as a husband. She has a wonderful imagination, her mother thought, I wish I was more like her when I was young.
Destiny continued to stare at her daughter's energy being pulled away by the magnet of her seat. She noticed, in all this wind, her hair was hardly fluttering, yet her own hair, along with her other two children, were being abused by the strength of the wind. She looked up to the sky. She'd seen a fair amount of bad weather in her life, but this one seemed odd. The sky looked angry. Very angry. The mostly clear sky was quickly filling up with dark, almost pitch black clouds. As she was about to call out Cynthia's name, she heard, what she could have sworn was someone hitting a drum as hard as possible right next to her ear. She, Darius, and Felicity quickly jumped out of their seat. Cynthia didn't budge. Destiny immediately told everyone, by name, to get inside. They all ran inside except Cynthia, who got up slowly and walked until her mother grabbed her by the hand and dragged her inside.
They all sat around the living room table except Cynthia; she went to stare out the window, seeming more alive now. Looking to the clouds, she put her right palm on the window and gripped her stomach with her left hand in agony. Make it stop, please make it go away. I know you're in pain, but I need to know why! Tears flowed out her eyes, and at the same time it began to rain.
?Cynthia, why don't you come sit down? Tell us a story, maybe one of your husband?? mentioned her mother. My husband? thought Cynthia, sure, I'll tell her about my husband...
She sat down on the side of the table where she could look through the window, tears still running down her face, and began to tell a story. Arutan was the most handsome and unique man she'd ever seen, granted the only other man she'd ever met in her seventeen years was her brother. That day sitting on the limbs of her favorite apple tree was the best of her life. She didn't know where he came from, and he never told her, but from the first time she laid eyes on him she knew he was right for her. His body was astounding; his skin was a beautiful shade of green, with eyes that looked to have been made of glowing emeralds, his bare chest looking harder than any stone, and large white rose pedals growing out of his perfectly shaped head down to the back of his knees. He'd just appeared below her and began to speak in a language she couldn't comprehend. He touched the trunk of the tree while fixating his gaze upon her face. The tree suddenly became more vibrant; each branch growing more leaves and bearing more fruit. Arutan gestured for her to pick and apple and take a bite, she hesitated for a moment and obeyed. At the instant she sunk her teeth into it, she felt a change inside her, but she could not recognize it. Arutan began to speak again, and this time she understood exactly what he was saying.
?Is it ok if I join you for a snack?? he said.
?Sh-sure,? she confirmed.
He jumped, what must have been twelve feet, and landed softly next to her: they remained in that apple tree for the entire day. She was in love with him. His mystical powers impressed her visually and nurtured her emotionally. He'd cause flowers to bloom and form her name, animals to gather around and let her pet them, he did anything she wanted. She was only able to see him once every five days and she could never get him to say why, he would just always say it's complicated and she literally wouldn't understand if he told her. Two months had passed by, and her heart was overflowing with love and desire so she proposed the idea of them being married. Arutan admitted he wanted her hand in marriage, but informed her he'd need to take a few days to decide if he it was the right choice. It hurt to hear him say he needed time to decide. The sky suddenly got dark, bringing with it a shower of tears to mix with Cynthia?s. Aurtan tried to comfort her, explaining that he truly wanted her, but she didn't listen and instead ran away from him. He didn't chase her.
As hurt as she was, Cynthia could not stop loving him. The next time he was supposed to be in the forest she rushed to check for him. He was there, as he was all the times before, but everything around him was glowing green, usually a spectacle he reserved for night time. They embraced each other silently for a few minutes, after which Arutan began to speak, ?Cynthia, angelus vitae mi, I love you. You're the root of all my happiness, my only branch of hope, and the fruit my heart has so long wanted to ripen. It would mean everything to me if you would marry me.? Cynthia screamed with joy and said yes. It was at this moment that she truly felt like it was to be in love and happy. They married themselves under two large trees with pink leaves and white blossoms. She went home with the largest smile her mother had ever seen on her face and told her she'd just gotten married and showed her the most beautiful emerald ring on her finger.
Cynthia began feeling weary and decided not to finish her story.
?Cyn, I've noticed you haven't worn your ring in weeks. How come?? asked Felicity.
A sharp pain hit Cynthia square in her stomach. No, it can't be! She realized something, something that made her like she didn't deserve life. Nature was angry, and it was angry at her.
?He's gone. He's gone and it's all because I let jealousy get the better of me,? moaned Cynthia. Before anyone could ask what happened, she began to tell another part of the story.
It had been been their first anniversary just three weeks ago. Cynthia wore her brightest and most elegant green dress, regardless of her mother protesting that she shouldn't wear such a fine dress into the wild. As she arrived at their marriage spot, she noticed he wasn't there and the two trees were green and without blossoms. He had promised they would look like they when they got married. Where could he be! He's always on time, always faithful! She screamed his name as long as she could, then she sat against one of the trees and awaited his arrival with tears falling from both her eyes and the sky. The night had come and he was no where to be seen, but she didn't want to give up, she stayed their all night waiting for him, fighting off all desires to sleep, but he never came.
As soon as the sun rose she ran home crying her heart out. Anger, misery, sadness, betrayal, and hopelessness were overwhelming her, yet she held nothing but love for him. On her way home she found her mother looking for her and ran into her arms crying. The rain was getting heavy, and her mother hurried to get her daughter home as quickly as possible. Cynthia didn't tell her mother what happened until now.
Four more days had passed. She hadn't been allowed to leave the house, but this was one of the days Aturan would be in the forest. She had to go look if he was there, she still loved him, she was empty without him. She sneaked out the house that morning and went to looking for him and found him.
He ran towards her as soon as he saw her, but as he got close she stuck her hand out to prevent him from touching her.
?Cynthia, let me explain!? he urged.
?NO! I waited all day and night for you. I thought you loved me, I thought I was everything you, you said you'd never allow me to feel abandoned, you LIED to me!?
?Cynthia I--,?
?Shut up!? she screamed.
Aturan remained silent. He loved her so much he could disobey no direct order from her. Pain and anxiousness filled him quickly. He wanted to explain to her what happened, why he just couldn't make it, but she wouldn't give him permission to speak. He could see a lot of negative emotions in her eyes, but not hate, she loved him too much for that. He couldn't stand to see her cry, but at least the heavy rain helped mask it, though he could still hear the pain in her angry voice.
?You never told me why you only see me every few days. Who do you really love? Who is more important to you than me, Aturan? Who!?
He remained silent.
?ANSWER ME!? she screamed with the full force of her lungs.
?You! It's you I love. I'd do ANYTHING for you. I'd die for you if I had to!? he said loudly.
?Then prove it, Aturan. Prove it, and until you do I don't want to hear one word from you! I can't take the lies.?
Aturan himself started crying. I'll show her the ultimate proof of my love. Words won't convince her, and she'd never understand why I can only see her so often. He turned away from her, while gesturing for her to follow and she did. They had been walking about fives minutes when Cynthia stopped crying and Aturan motioned for her to stop walking as he continued walking ahead for about fifteen seconds. This area was filled with apple trees, it was near here that they first met. Aturan stood still for about ten seconds, then closed his eyes and bowed his head while facing her. In an instant every tree within fifty yards vanished and all that was left was glowing pink grass in the shape of a heart, in which he was in the center of. He then went on one knee and put his right palm onto the grass and slowly stood back up with his palm rising off the grass and up over his head. As his hand came up it formed the phrase ?I Love You, Cynthia?. Cynthia stood still, a little touched, but didn't consider this proof at all that he really loved her. She wanted solid undeniable proof. Stay with me, stay with me forever and never leave me.
Aturan jumped a few hundred yards into the air, laid on his back, and starting falling back down. Cynthia wondered what he was doing, how could falling from so high prove he loved her? She knew he'd live, he wasn't like her, he was magical and nothing could ever hurt him. She watched as he came closer and closer to the earth, he was going to fall right on top of the vertical ?I Love You, Cynthia.? As Aturan fell, his only thoughts were of Cynthia and his love for her. Cynthia, angelus vitae mi, I love you. For you, I perform the ultimate sacrifice. He had conjured a large and highly serrated blade, and on the sides were the phrase ?I Love you, Cynthia,? however, the sword itself was not visible until blood was shed upon it. He closed his eyes, imagining that faithful day he kissed Cynthia on her lips for the first time, and crashed into the blade.
Cynthia saw the blade protruding out of his abdomen. It was black, with veins of green running through it. For a moment she was stunned, all she could do was stare in disbelief, in fact, she didn't believe it. This isn't real. It's just a nightmare. I'm just so upset at what he did it's infecting my dreams. Loud drums of thunder filled the sky, she was crying, but for the first time ever, nature was not crying with her. She bolted over to his corpse. He MUST be faking! He just wants me to realize how stupid I was for overreacting, surely! She approached his corpse, and noticed, like a plant without water he was drying up. His beautiful white rose hair was falling off, his skin was losing its color and becoming brown, and his eyes no longer glowing. Tears dropped from her face unto his and each time it caused his body to emit a puff of green smoke. She cried over him for hours until his whole body crumbled into dust after which the sword vanished.
(Optional Ending Below)
As Cynthia ended her story, the amount of tears running down her innocent face caused Destiny to feel extreme pity for her. What's wrong with my daughter? She used to be so happy. Destiny couldn't help but wonder if her daughter was insane. How can she elicit such feelings for someone ? some thing that isn't real? Maybe it was her own fault. Destiny had never educated her daughter of the world beyond, all she knew was the forest and her home. She wanted her children to live in solitude; away from the pressures and violence in the world.
?Cynthia,? began Destiny, ?I love you, and I can't stand to see you suffer for no reason. I think you need to learn the difference between imaginary and actuality.?
Thunder boomed and shook the foundations of the house. Cynthia quickly stood up from the table and looked directly to her mother and then to her brother and sister. ?You think he's not real? You ALL think he's not real!?
?Honey, calm down, please. I ? we know you may feel he, as well as other things you think you've seen, are real, but he's just a fabrication of your mind. You desire love and because I've kept you away from ??
?ENOUGH!? screamed Cynthia. The weather outside had gotten unimaginably violent; rain was bombarding the roof of the roof with intent, the wind whining consistently, and the lightening would shine through even the thickest curtains. ?I was happy, the happiest I've ever been. But I lost it all. EVERYTHING! And now you have the nerve to tell me that I'm a liar? That I have no reason to feel the way I do?!? Her eyes began glowing green as her entire family got up from their seats and stepped away from her. She put her left palm to her face, and then her right to her abdomen. They don't love me. They never loved me. No one EVER loved me!
Rage had consumed her. She looked toward the fear stricken family in front of her and realized she did not know them, but knew they were responsible for her pain. She blinked; and on the closing of the eye her entire family froze, each in a large block of ice next to each other. On the opening of her glowing green eyes: she saw them shatter into an infinite number of pieces. After witnessing this event, she saw what she had done. My family! Mother! Darry, Felly! She motioned to run to their icy remains, but in the instant she tried to move, the house crumbled upon her as she instinctively shot her palm up above her head and was protected. The remains of the house was carried away by the strength of the wind in a matter of seconds.
Wind, thunder, and lightening were still increasing in ferocity: the rain had suddenly stopped, and the earth suddenly drying. Down Cynthia's face were a waterfall of tears as sounds of her misery filled the air between each thunder strike. Around her she looked at the forest, it was home to her more than her house ever was. I just want ? to go home ? just one more chance at happiness ? please, I?ll do anything ?
It was as if Nature itself heard her plea, and immediately gave her an answer. In the sky, far and near, and all around her lightening struck tree after tree. Cynthia fell to her knees, crying, as she watched the forest, her true home, burn. Her own heart began to burn as she watched the fire consume everything in front of her.
Minutes passed. Maybe I can save it! She got on her feet and began running toward the forest, but she didn't get far. Roots erupted from underneath her, holding her legs in place. It was at this moment the clouds in the sky began clearing, the wind calming, and the thunder and lightening seizing. Hours passed before she could move again: but by this time everything she had ever loved was dead, destroyed, or burnt. The sky was clear now, the sun was shining, and the wind was calm.
Nature wasn't angry any more.
Even though I spend all my time around electronics.
