Ever pwn a bad tech support?

Samsung Support Sucks more then you know.

The Absolute best support i have ever gone to is EVGA 24/7 Tech support it is amazing
 
When I had my 360 I had alotta issues and had to send em out over and over and I finally snapped one day and flipped on the dude on the phone and he put his supervisor on and he guaranteed me a working brand new console. It didn't work and I ended up getting an all new one.
 
http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/cs_stuptech.shtml

Some gems, but check the whole site for more:

I was having a problem with my Internet connection a week ago. It would go off, but both the modem and router said it was on. I first called the manufacturer of the router, who guided me through some steps, and we came to the conclusion it was the modem. I noticed it happened more often when I started my new game Battlefield 2, so I called EA Games, and they told me to open ports.

Then I called my ISP.

Tech Support: "How may I help you today?"
Me: "Hi, I was wondering if you could open some ports on my connection. I need them open for this game I have, and I've opened them on my end, but the game says that you should also open your end as well."
Tech Support: "So you want to stick your game into the modem?"
Me: "No, I want you to open some ports so I can play the game."
Tech Support: "Sir, you cannot stick a game into your modem, you need a computer to stick the game into--"
Me: "Ummm, I don't want to stick the game into my modem, I want you to O-P-E-N P-O-R-T-S!!!"
Tech Support: "There's a cdrom drive on your computer. If you press the button that is next to or says 'cdrom drive,' a thing that looks like a cup holder will come out. Stick your game--"
Me: "!@#$*!@%"

Some shuffling sounds on their end.

Supervisor: "Hello sir."
Me: "Would it be possible for you to open some ports on my internet connection so I can play a game. I've already done it on the router I have."
Supervisor: "Sir, you cannot put a game into your modem. It doesn't work."
Me: "!@#$*!@%"

So then I called the company's business center, and I was told that opening ports would cost a LOT of money.

I called tech support again, and finally got routed to their site in Texas. I told him my problem with the modem and ports and relayed to him the story. After laughing and apologizing, he told me (after I gave him the modem model number) that my modem was out of date.

The new modem took five minutes to configure, and it worked fine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was troubleshooting a powerbook for a user, which had been flaky all of its short life, when it refused to boot and I could smell something smoldering. Clearly there was a short-circuit somewhere, probably in the power supply. I called Apple to get it repaired under the warranty.

Me: "Hi, I have a problem with a powerbook. It has developed a short circuit, probably in the power supply. I need an RMA number so I can send it back; it's still under warranty.
Tech Support: "Please describe the symptoms."
Me: "Um, there is a short circuit somewhere. I'd guess it's a bad power supply. I can smell smoldering when I try to power it on, and it won't boot, and the screen is just a pattern of lines.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try troubleshooting this."
Me: "There's nothing to troubleshoot. I need an RMA number so I can send it back under warranty.
Tech Support: "Well, you just described three problems to me. We'll tackle each one and see how many we can fix."
Me: (frustrated) "There's only one problem, a short circuit in the power supply. Something's burning inside the case; I can smell it when I power it on."
Tech Support: (as to a child) "You said that you smell smoke, that it won't boot, and that there are funny lines on the screen. We'll tackle each of these one at a time. Now, let's start the troubleshooting and see if we can get it to boot."

At this point, I mumbled something about the phone not being near the computer and hung up.

The punch line is that, after the thing was shipped to Apple (twice), it got stolen from the shipping agent's truck, and we got a brand new model.
---------------------------------------------------
I'm a Linux user, and I prefer keeping Javascript turned off in my browsers. Up until December 1999 or so, I did not need it for using Hotmail, but then that changed. So I sent them an email to ask why:

Why is it mandatory to use Javascript now? It was not necessary until recently (a couple months).

-F

The response I got was this (I swear this is verbatim):

Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.

This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.

For further information, contact the Help Support of the browser you are using.

We hope that this email has provided you with the assistance you needed.

Sincerely,

MSN Hotmail Customer Support

...Which confused the heck out of me! It not only doesn't make any sense, but it's not about the question I was asking. So I mailed them again:

Thank you very much for this information.

> This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript
> in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot
> browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.

But as you can see, it is insulting and makes no sense. First of all, "You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled" is erroneous. Never mind, I do not have time to flame you. Allow me to clarify my question; I do not think you understood it and would like at least a level three technician please:

Since I have used Hotmail, it has used cookies, but when I first used Hotmail I did not have to turn my browser's Javascript on. Now I do. Please tell me why. I do not like having Java and Javascript enabled (in fact I would prefer to use Lynx, a text-based browser under Unix).

Thank you.
-F

Ok, so it was a little harsh, but at least I thought they would answer the right question and/or refer it to Level III. Here's what I got:

Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.

MSN Hotmail also requires your Javascript feature to be enabled so that you can access your account more effectively. In order to enable your Javascript settings, kindly go to your Tools menu, Internet Options, Advanced Tab folder. From there, check and enable the Javascript settings in your PC. Please be guided accordingly.

Sincerely,

MSN Hotmail Customer Support

Internet Options? Tools menu? I'm using Netscape!

I gave up writing to them. I gave up my Hotmail account.
-----------------------------------------
Customer: "Hi, I can't seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?"
Tech Support: "Well sir, what dialup software are you using?"
Customer: "The one you provided."
Tech Support: "And what version is it?"
Customer: (says the version number)
Tech Support: "Oh, that's the problem you need the latest version."
Customer: "Ok, how do I get it?"
Tech Support: "Well, just transfer the file via FTP."
Customer: "Well that would be nice, but I can't connect to the Internet."
Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) "I told you just to FTP the file sir."

I hung up.

--------------------------


This is straight from a call log of a major computer company that happens to have technical support technicians in India and other points outside of the United States.

Problem Description: Client wants to know the MAC address for the computer. Advise client that I have no way of knowing or obtaining that information. Advise client that she would more than likely need to call Apple to see if they could point her in the direction of obtaining that. Client says that the MAC address is not a macintosh address. Client says that the MAC address can be obtained by doing an ipconfig /all. Client ended up disconnecting the call. During the call I believe I could hear someone else listening. Just before the call was ended by the client there was a something faintly said but I could not make it out.

Resolution: Advise client to contact Apple.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: "My laptop won't boot."
Tech Support: "Have you tried rebooting?"
Customer: "I can't reboot, because it doesn't boot in the first place."
Tech Support: "Sir, we have to do things my way, okay?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I use a cable modem ISP, one of North America's largest ISPs. During one of their interminable outages, I called to demand what the problem was.

Tech Support: "Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?"
Me: "Yes, it's on and working fine. The modem's plugged in, but it isn't getting anything from your end."
Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the 'Start' button and type 'WINIPCFG'--"
Me: "Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX."

This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it's supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn't get one.

Tech Support: "Well, sir, that's the problem."
Me: "Yes, I know. I'm getting no IP. I'm not in the network."
Tech Support: "No, sir, the problem is that you're using a Mac."

Er....

Me: "I'm sorry?"
Tech Support: "Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You're not using a PC."
Me: "Uhhh, I am using a PC. It's a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I'm running Windows 98."
Tech Support: "No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers are used by Macs."
Me: "You know, I don't think it works that way. I'm pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start with XXX. And I'm quite certain my computer is a PC."
Tech Support: "I don't think we use 'domain' here."
Me: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?"
------------------------------------------------------
As a networking consultant called in to a new client, one of the things I like to do is go over their bills to make sure they are getting what they are paying for from ISPs, telcos, etc. On one occasion, I discovered that a client was paying an ISP for 20 email mailboxes that they hadn't used in years. I called the ISP's customer support to cancel the mailboxes.

Me: "Yes, I notice I'm paying $100/month for 20 email boxes I'm not using. I'd like to cancel them all."
Tech Support: (after verifying our account information and getting the details of the account displayed) "No problem, sir. What I'd like you to do is fax me a list of all the boxes you'd like to cancel, and I'll do it this afternoon."
Me: "Well, I can't really do that, because I don't have a list of these email names. I just have a bill. We haven't used these names in probably two years. Just cancel them all."
Tech Support: "It's all right, sir. I have them here. I'll read them to you."

She proceeded to read me names, and like an idiot I jotted them down until it dawned on me what we were doing.

Me: "Hold on. You're going to read me all 20 names?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Me: "So I can write them down and fax them back to you??"
Tech Support: "That is our policy, sir."
Me: "Am I the only one who thinks this is absurd?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was getting several "illegal operation" errors on a new Windows 95 machine I was trying out. So I called tech support.

Customer: "I want to buy this computer, but I'm a little concerned that I'm getting so many error messages. Is that common with this machine?"
Tech Support: "Well, we have to reformat the hard disk and reinstall the software every day. That's normal."
Customer: "Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that I will have to reinstall Windows every single time I use the computer?!?"
Tech Support: "When it has errors, ma'am, that's the only way to get rid of them."

Needless to say, I purchased my computer elsewhere, from a store and salesmen that had a clue.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I had a problem with my computer. Out of the clear blue, the sound card disappeared from my hardware settings. After trying to get Windows 95 to re-install it, I gave up -- Win95 consistently told me that the card was a Soundblaster, and I knew it wasn't. But I didn't know what kind it was, and the manuals that came with the computer didn't say. I called tech support, and they asked me what had been installed on the system since I bought it. "Microsoft Office, and Plus" I said.

They told me that was the problem. They told me I wasn't ever supposed to install anything on the machine except for what came with it originally. Then they told me to reformat my hard drive and re-install everything from the setup CD.

I asked to speak with this guy's supervisor, and he told me the same thing.
----------------------------------------------------
This is an actual conversation I overheard in the cube next to me. I only heard one side of it. He had called the help desk to resolve a network problem.

"Hello, my name is [name]. My computer no longer communicates on the network. . . . Yes, the network connection is plugged in. . . . Yes, both ends. . . . Ok, I've rebooted the computer. Still nothing. . . . I don't have a 'Start' button. I'm running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Windows NT. . . . NT. . . . Ennnn Teeee. . . . I don't think that will work. . . . Well, ok. I'm pulling down file [long list of instructions]. . . . I don't have that menu choice. . . . Ok, we'll try it again. I pull down file [long list of instructions]. That menu choice doesn't exist. . . . Yes, thank you, I do know how to spell. . . . No, there is no menu choice by that name. . . . I'm sorry, it isn't there. . . . No, I do not have a 'Start' button. . . . No, I am not running Windows 3.11. I am running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Uhhh, no, I don't think they are the same thing. . . . Look, you can keep saying that the choice has to be there, but in fact it is not. I'm running Windows Ennn Teee. It's different from Windows 3.1. . . . No, the choice third from the bottom is [name of option]. . . . I AM NOT LYING TO YOU. . . . Hello? . . . Hello?"

My co-worker redials.

"Hello help desk? My name is [name]. I called a few minutes ago with a network problem. I'd like the name of the tech assigned to my case. . . . Thank you. Now, could you assign a different person to the case please? . . . Because she's a moron. . . . Yes, I did say moron. . . . Thank you."
------------------------------------------
I was waiting in a computer store for a price quote once, and while I was waiting I noticed one of the technicians trying to fix a customer's computer. I listen in on the conversation.

Tech Support: "You see when I put my mouse over 'Documents'? How it turns yellow?"

It was clear the customer had changed the Windows 95 colour scheme from the standard green background and blue and white windows that you see when Windows 95 starts for the first time. He had a new color scheme altogether, a blue background, and when he ran his mouse to highlight something, it turned yellow instead of the original blue. Perfectly normal, I thought; almost every Windows 95 user changes the color scheme.

Customer: "Yes, I see that. What about it?"
Tech Support: "That means you have a virus."

Of course, that was it. I wasn't going to buy a system from a store with this incredible tech support, so I left.
-------------------------------------------------
I know just enough to get myself in big trouble. Long story, but I managed to trash the BIOS and remembered that jumping two pins on the BIOS would reset the BIOS to a preset level.

Tech Support: "What operating system do you have installed?"
Me: "Windows 98."
Tech Support: "You didn't buy that from us, you have to reinstall Windows 3.1 before I can help you."
Me: "I would be more than happy to, but the BIOS has to be reset first."
Tech Support: "Maybe I didn't make myself clear. You have to reinstall Windows 3.1 first."
Me: "May I talk to your supervisor, please?"
Tech Support: (very loudly) "You understand this telephone line is recorded, right!?"
Me: "Doesn't bother me. May I please speak to your supervisor?"
Tech Support: "I don't have to put up with your foul language." (click)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago I was having problems with my miniframe lab computer. I called tech support, and after some time of discussing the problem, the guy told me to format the disk into two 795 megabyte partitions. When I told them that the disk was only a 300 megabyte disk, he replied, "I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate."
------------------------------
There's this quite major company called Time Computers over here in England. I bought a system from them, and then five months later I hear a "Pfoo!" noise, and my display went all fuzzy and strange. After some troubleshooting, I opened up the case and discovered that the video card had a little, remarkably Wile E. Coyote-esque soot explosion mark centered around a burnt chip in the middle of it.

Here's the conversation I had with tech support about it, with a lot cut out:

Tech Suppport: "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
Me: "Well, my screens all fuzzy, and my video card seems to have exploded."
Tech Support: "Well, right click on the desktop."
Me: "Before you say anything, I've tried the monitor on another computer, and on this computer on Windows 98, 2000, Linux, and BeOS, and it's definitely something wrong with the video card, because the monitor worked on the other computers, and it didn't work in any of the operating systems in this one, and when I tried another video card, it worked."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "..."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "Well, I'm in Linux right now."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "I'm not in Windows."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "Do you know what an operating system is?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
Me: "Ok then, because, I'm not in Windows. I'm in Linux, which is another operating system. Right clicking on the desktop won't do anything you think it will, I promise. Do you want me to reboot into Windows?"
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop please, sir."

I sighed, gave up, rebooted into Windows, and right clicked on the desktop.

Me: "Do you want me to click on 'Properties'?"
Tech Support: "No sir, please click on 'Properties'."
Me: "..."

After a while, "we" determined that, no, it isn't my resolution, and installing new drivers won't help. After a very long discussion, I learned that to replace my video card, they would "have to" (or so policy dictates) take the entire computer away (monitor and all) for 5-7 business days to replace the faulty video card. I protested this, because the computer was being used in a business. They told me there was "nothing they could do." This seemed bad enough, but then:

Tech Support: "Have you backed up recently?"
Me: "No, why?"
Tech Support: "You should..."
Me: "Sure, ok, I'll remember."
Tech Support: "...because as part of our policy, when servicing a computer, we delete everything on the hard disk."
Me: "What the $%* *%(@ $%? WHY???"
Tech Support: "Company policy."
Me: "But it's a broken video card! Even you admit that!!! It has nothing to do with the hard drive!"
Tech Support: "That's company policy, sir."

After about an hour of arguing, we didn't get anywhere. I am living with the video card up to this day, months later, and was not refunded in anyway.

Turns out to be rather more tragic than funny, actually.
-----------------------------------------
 
I have had a couple problems with my mac (funny right). Although its not entirely apple's fault. (As I take my computer everywhere with me). Be it camping, etc. So this year I worked at a summer camp, with no A.C. lets just say my laptop didn't get along with Florida's summer humidity and temperature. Anyways it started failing all over the place, the screen turned yellow, disc drive wouldn't burn and in the end the USB ports started failing. So although I was not in the ideal environment it still was within apple's operating limits for the macbook pro. (I wish to point out a friends Sony Laptop also failed completely during the summer while with me at camp). Anyways the closest apple store was like 50 miles away, so they said they would ship me a box, free of charge. The box left Tuesday and my computer came back Friday. After I got back home a USB port still didn't work, since this would be the third repair apple offered me a new computer completely free of charge. So I guess it breaking did pay off since now a get a brand new computer with a fast processor and better graphics. They also threw in the upgraded antiglare screen. So I loves apple's support. (So when that gets here tomorrow I will be updating my signature.)

Microsofts not that bad with the xbox, however with the OS its a different story I hate it, its like reading the knowledge base when talking to them. Not to mention you usually have to pay for it.


-Oprah
 
Prisoner416 said:
http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/cs_stuptech.shtml

Some gems, but check the whole site for more:

I was having a problem with my Internet connection a week ago. It would go off, but both the modem and router said it was on. I first called the manufacturer of the router, who guided me through some steps, and we came to the conclusion it was the modem. I noticed it happened more often when I started my new game Battlefield 2, so I called EA Games, and they told me to open ports.

Then I called my ISP.

Tech Support: "How may I help you today?"
Me: "Hi, I was wondering if you could open some ports on my connection. I need them open for this game I have, and I've opened them on my end, but the game says that you should also open your end as well."
Tech Support: "So you want to stick your game into the modem?"
Me: "No, I want you to open some ports so I can play the game."
Tech Support: "Sir, you cannot stick a game into your modem, you need a computer to stick the game into--"
Me: "Ummm, I don't want to stick the game into my modem, I want you to O-P-E-N P-O-R-T-S!!!"
Tech Support: "There's a cdrom drive on your computer. If you press the button that is next to or says 'cdrom drive,' a thing that looks like a cup holder will come out. Stick your game--"
Me: "!@#$*!@%"

Some shuffling sounds on their end.

Supervisor: "Hello sir."
Me: "Would it be possible for you to open some ports on my internet connection so I can play a game. I've already done it on the router I have."
Supervisor: "Sir, you cannot put a game into your modem. It doesn't work."
Me: "!@#$*!@%"

So then I called the company's business center, and I was told that opening ports would cost a LOT of money.

I called tech support again, and finally got routed to their site in Texas. I told him my problem with the modem and ports and relayed to him the story. After laughing and apologizing, he told me (after I gave him the modem model number) that my modem was out of date.

The new modem took five minutes to configure, and it worked fine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was troubleshooting a powerbook for a user, which had been flaky all of its short life, when it refused to boot and I could smell something smoldering. Clearly there was a short-circuit somewhere, probably in the power supply. I called Apple to get it repaired under the warranty.

Me: "Hi, I have a problem with a powerbook. It has developed a short circuit, probably in the power supply. I need an RMA number so I can send it back; it's still under warranty.
Tech Support: "Please describe the symptoms."
Me: "Um, there is a short circuit somewhere. I'd guess it's a bad power supply. I can smell smoldering when I try to power it on, and it won't boot, and the screen is just a pattern of lines.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try troubleshooting this."
Me: "There's nothing to troubleshoot. I need an RMA number so I can send it back under warranty.
Tech Support: "Well, you just described three problems to me. We'll tackle each one and see how many we can fix."
Me: (frustrated) "There's only one problem, a short circuit in the power supply. Something's burning inside the case; I can smell it when I power it on."
Tech Support: (as to a child) "You said that you smell smoke, that it won't boot, and that there are funny lines on the screen. We'll tackle each of these one at a time. Now, let's start the troubleshooting and see if we can get it to boot."

At this point, I mumbled something about the phone not being near the computer and hung up.

The punch line is that, after the thing was shipped to Apple (twice), it got stolen from the shipping agent's truck, and we got a brand new model.
---------------------------------------------------
I'm a Linux user, and I prefer keeping Javascript turned off in my browsers. Up until December 1999 or so, I did not need it for using Hotmail, but then that changed. So I sent them an email to ask why:

Why is it mandatory to use Javascript now? It was not necessary until recently (a couple months).

-F

The response I got was this (I swear this is verbatim):

Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.

This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.

For further information, contact the Help Support of the browser you are using.

We hope that this email has provided you with the assistance you needed.

Sincerely,

MSN Hotmail Customer Support

...Which confused the heck out of me! It not only doesn't make any sense, but it's not about the question I was asking. So I mailed them again:

Thank you very much for this information.

> This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript
> in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot
> browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.

But as you can see, it is insulting and makes no sense. First of all, "You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled" is erroneous. Never mind, I do not have time to flame you. Allow me to clarify my question; I do not think you understood it and would like at least a level three technician please:

Since I have used Hotmail, it has used cookies, but when I first used Hotmail I did not have to turn my browser's Javascript on. Now I do. Please tell me why. I do not like having Java and Javascript enabled (in fact I would prefer to use Lynx, a text-based browser under Unix).

Thank you.
-F

Ok, so it was a little harsh, but at least I thought they would answer the right question and/or refer it to Level III. Here's what I got:

Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.

MSN Hotmail also requires your Javascript feature to be enabled so that you can access your account more effectively. In order to enable your Javascript settings, kindly go to your Tools menu, Internet Options, Advanced Tab folder. From there, check and enable the Javascript settings in your PC. Please be guided accordingly.

Sincerely,

MSN Hotmail Customer Support

Internet Options? Tools menu? I'm using Netscape!

I gave up writing to them. I gave up my Hotmail account.
-----------------------------------------
Customer: "Hi, I can't seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?"
Tech Support: "Well sir, what dialup software are you using?"
Customer: "The one you provided."
Tech Support: "And what version is it?"
Customer: (says the version number)
Tech Support: "Oh, that's the problem you need the latest version."
Customer: "Ok, how do I get it?"
Tech Support: "Well, just transfer the file via FTP."
Customer: "Well that would be nice, but I can't connect to the Internet."
Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) "I told you just to FTP the file sir."

I hung up.

--------------------------


This is straight from a call log of a major computer company that happens to have technical support technicians in India and other points outside of the United States.

Problem Description: Client wants to know the MAC address for the computer. Advise client that I have no way of knowing or obtaining that information. Advise client that she would more than likely need to call Apple to see if they could point her in the direction of obtaining that. Client says that the MAC address is not a macintosh address. Client says that the MAC address can be obtained by doing an ipconfig /all. Client ended up disconnecting the call. During the call I believe I could hear someone else listening. Just before the call was ended by the client there was a something faintly said but I could not make it out.

Resolution: Advise client to contact Apple.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: "My laptop won't boot."
Tech Support: "Have you tried rebooting?"
Customer: "I can't reboot, because it doesn't boot in the first place."
Tech Support: "Sir, we have to do things my way, okay?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I use a cable modem ISP, one of North America's largest ISPs. During one of their interminable outages, I called to demand what the problem was.

Tech Support: "Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?"
Me: "Yes, it's on and working fine. The modem's plugged in, but it isn't getting anything from your end."
Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the 'Start' button and type 'WINIPCFG'--"
Me: "Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX."

This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it's supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn't get one.

Tech Support: "Well, sir, that's the problem."
Me: "Yes, I know. I'm getting no IP. I'm not in the network."
Tech Support: "No, sir, the problem is that you're using a Mac."

Er....

Me: "I'm sorry?"
Tech Support: "Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You're not using a PC."
Me: "Uhhh, I am using a PC. It's a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I'm running Windows 98."
Tech Support: "No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers are used by Macs."
Me: "You know, I don't think it works that way. I'm pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start with XXX. And I'm quite certain my computer is a PC."
Tech Support: "I don't think we use 'domain' here."
Me: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?"
------------------------------------------------------
As a networking consultant called in to a new client, one of the things I like to do is go over their bills to make sure they are getting what they are paying for from ISPs, telcos, etc. On one occasion, I discovered that a client was paying an ISP for 20 email mailboxes that they hadn't used in years. I called the ISP's customer support to cancel the mailboxes.

Me: "Yes, I notice I'm paying $100/month for 20 email boxes I'm not using. I'd like to cancel them all."
Tech Support: (after verifying our account information and getting the details of the account displayed) "No problem, sir. What I'd like you to do is fax me a list of all the boxes you'd like to cancel, and I'll do it this afternoon."
Me: "Well, I can't really do that, because I don't have a list of these email names. I just have a bill. We haven't used these names in probably two years. Just cancel them all."
Tech Support: "It's all right, sir. I have them here. I'll read them to you."

She proceeded to read me names, and like an idiot I jotted them down until it dawned on me what we were doing.

Me: "Hold on. You're going to read me all 20 names?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Me: "So I can write them down and fax them back to you??"
Tech Support: "That is our policy, sir."
Me: "Am I the only one who thinks this is absurd?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was getting several "illegal operation" errors on a new Windows 95 machine I was trying out. So I called tech support.

Customer: "I want to buy this computer, but I'm a little concerned that I'm getting so many error messages. Is that common with this machine?"
Tech Support: "Well, we have to reformat the hard disk and reinstall the software every day. That's normal."
Customer: "Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that I will have to reinstall Windows every single time I use the computer?!?"
Tech Support: "When it has errors, ma'am, that's the only way to get rid of them."

Needless to say, I purchased my computer elsewhere, from a store and salesmen that had a clue.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I had a problem with my computer. Out of the clear blue, the sound card disappeared from my hardware settings. After trying to get Windows 95 to re-install it, I gave up -- Win95 consistently told me that the card was a Soundblaster, and I knew it wasn't. But I didn't know what kind it was, and the manuals that came with the computer didn't say. I called tech support, and they asked me what had been installed on the system since I bought it. "Microsoft Office, and Plus" I said.

They told me that was the problem. They told me I wasn't ever supposed to install anything on the machine except for what came with it originally. Then they told me to reformat my hard drive and re-install everything from the setup CD.

I asked to speak with this guy's supervisor, and he told me the same thing.
----------------------------------------------------
This is an actual conversation I overheard in the cube next to me. I only heard one side of it. He had called the help desk to resolve a network problem.

"Hello, my name is [name]. My computer no longer communicates on the network. . . . Yes, the network connection is plugged in. . . . Yes, both ends. . . . Ok, I've rebooted the computer. Still nothing. . . . I don't have a 'Start' button. I'm running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Windows NT. . . . NT. . . . Ennnn Teeee. . . . I don't think that will work. . . . Well, ok. I'm pulling down file [long list of instructions]. . . . I don't have that menu choice. . . . Ok, we'll try it again. I pull down file [long list of instructions]. That menu choice doesn't exist. . . . Yes, thank you, I do know how to spell. . . . No, there is no menu choice by that name. . . . I'm sorry, it isn't there. . . . No, I do not have a 'Start' button. . . . No, I am not running Windows 3.11. I am running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Uhhh, no, I don't think they are the same thing. . . . Look, you can keep saying that the choice has to be there, but in fact it is not. I'm running Windows Ennn Teee. It's different from Windows 3.1. . . . No, the choice third from the bottom is [name of option]. . . . I AM NOT LYING TO YOU. . . . Hello? . . . Hello?"

My co-worker redials.

"Hello help desk? My name is [name]. I called a few minutes ago with a network problem. I'd like the name of the tech assigned to my case. . . . Thank you. Now, could you assign a different person to the case please? . . . Because she's a moron. . . . Yes, I did say moron. . . . Thank you."
------------------------------------------
I was waiting in a computer store for a price quote once, and while I was waiting I noticed one of the technicians trying to fix a customer's computer. I listen in on the conversation.

Tech Support: "You see when I put my mouse over 'Documents'? How it turns yellow?"

It was clear the customer had changed the Windows 95 colour scheme from the standard green background and blue and white windows that you see when Windows 95 starts for the first time. He had a new color scheme altogether, a blue background, and when he ran his mouse to highlight something, it turned yellow instead of the original blue. Perfectly normal, I thought; almost every Windows 95 user changes the color scheme.

Customer: "Yes, I see that. What about it?"
Tech Support: "That means you have a virus."

Of course, that was it. I wasn't going to buy a system from a store with this incredible tech support, so I left.
-------------------------------------------------
I know just enough to get myself in big trouble. Long story, but I managed to trash the BIOS and remembered that jumping two pins on the BIOS would reset the BIOS to a preset level.

Tech Support: "What operating system do you have installed?"
Me: "Windows 98."
Tech Support: "You didn't buy that from us, you have to reinstall Windows 3.1 before I can help you."
Me: "I would be more than happy to, but the BIOS has to be reset first."
Tech Support: "Maybe I didn't make myself clear. You have to reinstall Windows 3.1 first."
Me: "May I talk to your supervisor, please?"
Tech Support: (very loudly) "You understand this telephone line is recorded, right!?"
Me: "Doesn't bother me. May I please speak to your supervisor?"
Tech Support: "I don't have to put up with your foul language." (click)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago I was having problems with my miniframe lab computer. I called tech support, and after some time of discussing the problem, the guy told me to format the disk into two 795 megabyte partitions. When I told them that the disk was only a 300 megabyte disk, he replied, "I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate."
------------------------------
There's this quite major company called Time Computers over here in England. I bought a system from them, and then five months later I hear a "Pfoo!" noise, and my display went all fuzzy and strange. After some troubleshooting, I opened up the case and discovered that the video card had a little, remarkably Wile E. Coyote-esque soot explosion mark centered around a burnt chip in the middle of it.

Here's the conversation I had with tech support about it, with a lot cut out:

Tech Suppport: "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
Me: "Well, my screens all fuzzy, and my video card seems to have exploded."
Tech Support: "Well, right click on the desktop."
Me: "Before you say anything, I've tried the monitor on another computer, and on this computer on Windows 98, 2000, Linux, and BeOS, and it's definitely something wrong with the video card, because the monitor worked on the other computers, and it didn't work in any of the operating systems in this one, and when I tried another video card, it worked."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "..."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "Well, I'm in Linux right now."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "I'm not in Windows."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "Do you know what an operating system is?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
Me: "Ok then, because, I'm not in Windows. I'm in Linux, which is another operating system. Right clicking on the desktop won't do anything you think it will, I promise. Do you want me to reboot into Windows?"
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop please, sir."

I sighed, gave up, rebooted into Windows, and right clicked on the desktop.

Me: "Do you want me to click on 'Properties'?"
Tech Support: "No sir, please click on 'Properties'."
Me: "..."

After a while, "we" determined that, no, it isn't my resolution, and installing new drivers won't help. After a very long discussion, I learned that to replace my video card, they would "have to" (or so policy dictates) take the entire computer away (monitor and all) for 5-7 business days to replace the faulty video card. I protested this, because the computer was being used in a business. They told me there was "nothing they could do." This seemed bad enough, but then:

Tech Support: "Have you backed up recently?"
Me: "No, why?"
Tech Support: "You should..."
Me: "Sure, ok, I'll remember."
Tech Support: "...because as part of our policy, when servicing a computer, we delete everything on the hard disk."
Me: "What the $%* *%(@ $%? WHY???"
Tech Support: "Company policy."
Me: "But it's a broken video card! Even you admit that!!! It has nothing to do with the hard drive!"
Tech Support: "That's company policy, sir."

After about an hour of arguing, we didn't get anywhere. I am living with the video card up to this day, months later, and was not refunded in anyway.

Turns out to be rather more tragic than funny, actually.
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greaterwall.jpg
 
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I wasn't complaining about you prisoner, I was complaining about reflex requoting the whole wall.
 
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