Something like a story?

Is this story good?

  • NO!

    Points: 1 10.0%
  • Maybeee. . .

    Points: 1 10.0%
  • YES!

    Points: 0 0.0%
  • Umm,First Timer is nub

    Points: 5 50.0%
  • Good and Bad.

    Points: 3 30.0%

  • Total voters
    10

First Timer

Thread Thumper
Joined
Dec 2, 2008
Messages
1,079
So,i was bored,and i just typed away,and i was amazed by what i typed LMAO,anyways,i hope you guys will enjoy,though it's short =P

Mortars could be heard firing,there were explosions everywhere..

"Where's the damn reinforcement?!?"

"Sir,they say they're gonna take another few more minutes before they can reach us!"

"Tell em that Delta Squad will go down soon if they don't reach us in time!"

Just then,a gunship flew past,the small yet being the only machine dominating the air.A few RPGs fired at it but the gunship evaded the rocket before it reach within 10m radius of the gunship.

The gunship retaliated,shooting everything in it's sight with the MG mounted on either side but Delta Squad moved to cover before anyone got injured.

"Sir,we're getting pin down!!!"

"Someone tell me something I don't already know!"

"Sir!Reinforcements have arrived!"

"Let's throw em a welcome party then!!!"

Delta Squad rushed out of the cover,and fired everything they had at the gunship,but there was little effect.But it didn't matter,Echo squad was there,the whole bunch of them,running towards Delta,which was well known for taking out air unit effectively.

Pvt.Soap was there,with Delta Squad,being the only Sharpshooter in the whole squad.And there was this one thing he wonder about whenever he take out someone from the oppositions side,if they knew they were gonna get shot by him and no matter what,it couldn't be avoided,what would thier last wish be...

Back at command centre...

"Captain Frost,always a pleasure to meet you."

"Thank you,Rahman,what's the situation at Hawaii?"

"Well,let's just say,it ain't pleasant,Delta Squad just hooked up with Echo Squad and Baker Company is scattered all around,enemy's gunship are preparing to attack,their army of 2000 trigger happy asshole scanning the area for our troops,and to make matter worst,they were given the shoot on sight order.Furthermore,our air force are just preparing to depart for Hawaii."

"Sounds like our people are going through living hell right now...."

On the battlefield...

"ETA on Air Support?"

"30 minutes,Sir!"

"Boys,looks like we're on our own for the time being,and it sure ain't gonna be easy,Soap and Fuad,cover the left flank!'

Both Delta and Echo Squad were hiding behind the scraps of the airship they took out before,taking cover from enemy troops firing at them,whom every now and then threw some grenades to flush out thier enemy.

"Name's Fuad,Sharpshooter from Echo Squad,pleasure to meet you,Soap"

"Same here,Sharpshooter from Delta."

Just then,another one of those gunships flew right past above thier heads.

"Oh ladies,less TALKING and more SHOOTING!!!"

Back at Command Centre...

"Captain Frost,I think we have a problem,Captain Rushmore was suppose to handle this case,not..."

Before Commander Rahman could finished his sentence,Frost turned around and shot him,and as if Rahman anticipated it,he dodged before the bullets got him.

There he was,trying to stay calm,but his heart was pounding so hard that it feels like a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment,his hands was full of sweat,he tried to firm the grip of his gun,just then,a few HE Grenade flew into his face and exploded...

Frost smiled,knowing that even the swift Rahman could not dodge that much grenade,not to forget that it flew towards his face.Right at that moment.a shadow emerged from the smoke,and before Frost could pull the trigger,he was shot,in the hand that wield the gun.

"You. . . you . . . you will regret this,mark my words!"

"Security,get this crap out of my face."

After the security escorted Froat out,Rahman went ahead back to command and requested for Captain Rushmore,whom arrived in a short moment.
 
Very rough, has potential, but would need a lot of work and tweaks to make it publishable. Not bad for just jotting stuff down though.
 
@Lance Thanks man
@Vipers_Venom Yea,i was hoping to clear up all my errors here,thanks =P
@Anouthen Yea,i noticed the amount of commas i used,i have no idea what to put there other than commas LOL.
 
I get too descriptive when I write. I go Dickens all over it. The helicopter you said was there would have taken me 2 paragraphs to describe.
Would help to adjust grammar.
 
@gibso Thanks,haha,i wanted to describe the heli alot,but i don't know much about heli LOL
 
Its a diamond in the rough, its got some potential to it.

The main issue I have is the pacing of it. Going between narrative description from a 3rd person perspective and back to 1st person conversation is hard to do without being choppy
 
Its good and bad. Delta Force is a spec ops force, not a frontline combatant. So that made me cringe.

The dialog sounded like things a character would say in ANY military shooter.

Its good because its always good to try if you have a passion for something.
 
@Jomigirock What you mean by NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
@blackhawksniper I understand,haha,but,i was randomly typing after all =P
@xosniper Thanks mate!
 
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