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- Apr 14, 2009
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1944-1950
Most of the 36th Division’s award-winning drinking team comprised of PrimeZero, Q-tip, Jaalexx, Dodgy, Dunkthoro, and Derve made their way to Finland at PrimeZero’s behest and his promise of fighting Communists and drinking a lot.
PrimeZero seen here after losing an eye in a tragic game of bier pong.
The group managed to have a significant impact towards the end of the Continuation War against the Commies. The team was granted amnesty in Finland because of their battle-prowess and heavy binge drinking. As of 1950, some members of the 36th Division’s drinking team go around Finland and talk to school children about the benefits of heavy drinking.
Q-tip seen here demonstrating to second graders how to pass out on a bench.
1945-????
In 1945, part of a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a war crimes tribunal for a crime they [probably did] commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the European underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem... if no one else should help... and if you can find them... maybe you can hire... Das ?-Team.
Johannes Hamhamibal Schmidt: The leader of Das ?-Team and master strategist. He loves it when a plan comes together… actually he just likes shooting things. He also enjoys holding an unlit cigar in his mouth (possible oral fixation).
Immortal Tekniech: Known as “Das Gesicht” (The Face), Immortal is a master of deception and disguise. Almost unstoppable with a rifle, Immortal is the team’s long-range master assassin.
B.A. Dudly Duracus: The only member of the team with a ridiculous haircut and gold chains, Mr. D is deathly afraid of riding on trains. He is the muscle of the group and regularly uses cool lines like “ I pitty the fool who doesn’t diversify his portfolio!”
Joe Plumdock: Also Known as “Criminally Insane Plumdock,” Joe is a sub-par pilot, driver, and train conductor. However, he makes up for this by being literally insane.
Meg Meggerschmidt: The only female of the group, Meg was recruited by the Das ?-Team because she was a woman and the team needed a woman. Meg initially refused to join the team but was talked into it since the team needed a woman. Her skills as a reporter have also helped the team on at least two occasions.
1945-1951
The Danish Members of the 36th Division spent several years under Milit?rberater Schtormy’s command consulting the Spanish government in counterinsurgency and anti-partizan operations in Spain.
Homesick and suffering from the great orange famine of 1951, the collective group of Sir Fluffingtons, Tikeraaq, T.D. Ducky, Fizh, and Mulvad decided to return to the Kingdom of Denmark. Denmark, being the strictest of the Nordic countries enacted one of the harshest post-war punishments recorded in Scandinavian history. Each of the Danish members of the 36th Division had to serve one week in the dreadful Horsens Statsf?ngsel prison, talk about their feelings, and write a letter of apology. Only the fanatical Ducky refused to write a letter of apology and was sentenced to one more week of woodshop, ceramics, painting, massages, and sauna treatments at Horsens Statsf?ngsel prison.
The inmates of Horsens Statsf?ngsel prison can only walk among the flowers from 6:00 AM to 8:00 and are then savagely locked in their spacious rooms until morning (unless they need a potty-break).
The horrible conditions include a paltry executive golf course of 9 holes.
1945-????
After fleeing Western Allied forces, Wewo, Stalingrad, Beef, and Jlind made their way to Soviet territory after being contacted by a GRU (Russian Main Intelligence Directorate) recruiter. The defectors contributed their knowledge of psychological warfare, anti-partizan activities, and other skills to Soviet-occupied territories.
Top secret Soviet stair designs.
Intercepted communications show that Soviet information concerning the tops of staircases, rocket-propelled munitions, and newsletter technology has far surpassed Western knowledge concerning similar subject matter—likely the result of Wewo’s debriefing.
1946-1952
Having heard of [War Criminal] hunters tracking down and assassinating fellow 36th Division members, Mavwreck, Firehazard, Nuke, Meowcenaries, and MasterChief decided to create two groups to hunt [War Criminal] hunters. The independent cells performed several high-profile assassinations of American and Scottish servicemen over the course of five years.
Nicoll, seen in traditional Scottish skirt and high heels was a [war criminal] hunter and an early target of the Fightin 36th Reverse [War Criminal] Hunters. Assassinated in 1947.
In 1952, the groups eventually destroyed themselves as a result of the confusion caused by the use of multiple confusing group names. These names included: [war criminal] hunter-hunters, reverse [war criminal] hunters, double-reverse [war criminal] hunter-hunter-hunters, and anti double-reverse [war criminal] hunter. In a twist of fate, Mavwreck’s Fightin 36th Reverse [War Criminal] Hunters became locked in a 17 hour Mexican standoff with Firehazard’s Anti-double-reverse [War Criminal] Hunters of the 36th. There were no confirmed survivors.
(Dramatization)
Milit?rberater Schtormy
After the 36th Division’s final battle, Schtormy escaped to Spain with the Danish members of his squad. After three years of training the Spanish government in counterinsurgency and anti-partizan tactics, he left Mulvad in command and smuggled himself back to his home country of Operationechsk?nigreichland by gratuitously tipping attendants in the first class section of various trains. He was immediately given amnesty by Archduke Yeti pending the results of an ongoing war crimes trial. However, leniency was likely given due to the positive economic impact of Schtormy’s vast gold, art, and strudel funds acquired during and after the war.
Schtormy was tried in absentia for war crimes and crimes against humanity over the course of 10 years. Having hired the best legal team gold could buy to represent him, he was eventually ruled “not guilty” in 93 of 95 charges. His defense hinged on three key factors:
At the conclusion of the trial in 1954, Schtormy was only found guilty of two charges:
Schtormy’s legal team decided to plead guilty to these two charges as Schtormy privately funded a statue commemorating the killing of “The Beast of Brest.” In addition, the stuffed Cavalier King Charles Spaniel is on permanent display at the Operationechsk?nigreichland Royal Museum of Stuffed King Charles Spaniels. Schtormy later paid the $5 fine so he could freely travel throughout Europe again.
The Beast of Brest on display at the Operationechsk?nigreichland Royal Museum of Stuffed King Charles Spaniels
Generaloberst Matz
Generaloberst Matz was almost immediately identified as the primary belligerent and mastermind of multiple atrocities committed during the war. He was tried in absentia two days after the war formally ended with Germany. Three minutes into deliberation, the tribunal sentenced him to death. The harsh punishment and swift resolution to his case were the result of a large pile of evidence sent anonymously. This evidence included:
"Anonymous"
Matz initially escaped justice by traveling through the ratlines eventually escaping to South American. There, he moved from country to country eventually ending up in Brazil. While living in South America, he was targeted multiple times by [war criminal] hunters but was saved on at least three separate occasions by operatives from the Anti-double-reverse [War Criminal] Hunters of the 36th. He lived in Brazil until 1949. Reportedly he grew tired of the hot weather, lack of “proper crumpets,” and further suffered due to an Earl Grey tea deficiency.
Having read about Schtormy’s successful defense, Matz petitioned the British Government for a retrial which was granted. He was later convicted of all charges and was sentenced to 10 consecutive life sentences to be carried out in Great Britain. While in prison he was killed in a knife fight while defending the “honour” of his cellie and [BFF].
The last picture of Matz (circled in red) before his death.
Doctor Feldmarschall Compton
The leader of the 36th Grenadier Divison, Doctor Feldmarschall Compton has never officially or publicly been accused, investigated, or charged with any war crimes or crimes against humanity. Although unconfirmed, Dr. Compton reportedly performed heinous medical experiments, psychological experiments, and performed unnecessary prostate exams on POWs.
Pictured: Two voluntary "patients"
Dr. Compton's examination hand.
The last official sighting of Dr. Compton was shortly before the 36th Division’s last skirmish in Austria. There, over 20 witnesses saw Dr. Compton playing with fireworks while smoking in a fuel storage building. He is presumed dead as an enormous explosion from an unknown source destroyed the fuel repository. He was a popular leader to his troops but was under suspicion from the German High Command for his questionable practice of choosing his men by “gut feeling,” often recruiting convicted criminals, deviant, and psychopaths. He was also suspected by German High Command of stealing 30 tons of gold from a bank in Claremont prior to evacuating the city. The loyalty of his men was likely the result of unconfirmed reports of giving stolen gold to men under his command.
ABOVE TOP SECRET
The plan tohas succeeded as planned. As part of Operation Paperclip,recruit former Feldmarschall Comptonintimate knowledge ofDr. Compton’sand human experimentation will ultimately allow the citizens of the United States to survive any prostate related issues relating to the inevitable nuclear holocaust. We can only hope thatproctologyadvancedDr. Compton’stechniques gives us the advantage against the USSR.multiple digit prostate exam
is a promising sign of the benefits of recruiting so-called “war criminals.” Immediately after being approached with the promise of unrestrainedDr. Comptonat any number of prisons,human proctological experimentationfollowed all orders given to him by Allied Command from 1942 onwards and was even complicit purposefullyDr. ComptonThe only possible transgression stems from thelosing several key battles with his 36th Waffen SS Grenadier Division.and its subsequent distribution among his men.theft of gold from the Bank of Claremont
As per our agreement with, we faked his death, gave him a new identity ofDr. Compton(his choice), and he receives retirement pay befitting his previous rank ofLady Charlotte Buttercupin addition to his pay from the CDC and OSS.Feldmarschall
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