Have any funny jokes? Post them here!

N

Noravic

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Since this is in the off topic thread, I guess it is OK. Sorry if this has been done before; I searched the forums but I might have missed something.

So, I was wondering if anyone here would like to share their (non-racist) jokes!
Also, I recommend that each poster rate the joke of the post above theirs.

I have one:

There is a musician that just got a job in a very prestigious band in NYC. He has to go to his first rehearsal in Manhattan at 7 PM. He wants to make an impression on the other band members, so he arrives at 6 PM, but he has to find a parking spot. He drives all around Manhattan, but it is impossible for him to find parking. Suddenly, he sees that the time is 7 PM. He becomes very nervous since he doesn't want to be late.

So, he looks up to the heavens and says, "God, if you help me find a parking spot I'll donate 10% of my salary to charity!"

Magically, a car backs out of its spot in front of him. Then, the musician looks up to God and says, "Nevermind, I found a parking spot now."

Hope you guys thought it was funny.
 
[blockquote]What did Rommel say when you offered him eight hot dogs?

"NEIN!"[/blockquote]

I have more, but they're secret!
 
well when a engineer loves his sentry very much he pulls out his wrench and well... the rest is just history i guess
 
[quote1208303173=Cpt0bvi0u5]
well when a engineer loves his sentry very much he pulls out his wrench and well... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
[/quote1208303173]

Fixed!
 
So there's these two guys and they walk into a bar...

You'd think they'd see it...
 
I have another one:

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

I am a music student myself and my teacher, who is a professional musician, told me this joke.
 
I have a ton not suitable for any audience, so i'll give you the corniest one i know.

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?

Its making headlines.
 
Confucas say!
Never stay with woman that puts carrots and peas in the same pot!
(some of you guys will get this l8er...if not then message me)
8)
 
A priest wants to paint his church, but only has enough paint to cover half of it. Being a cheapskate, he decides to dilute the paint 50% so he can get the job done. Just as he finishes, a huge storm comes and washes off all the paint.

The priest, devastated, runs outside and yells to the sky, "God! Why did you do that?"

The clouds open and a booming voice echoes down. It says, "Repaint ... and thin no more!"
 
LOL...anyway here is another one
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there was not enough chickens on the other side !!!!!!
LOL now that wasnt funny!
 
[quote1208462516=TheBigHerm]
Does god have a lisp?
[/quote1208462516]

This is kind of a response to flippy and kind of a joke on its own. lol :)
 
PART ONE:
A priest (why do I know so many jokes involving priests?) ... A priest needs to hire a new bell-ringer for his church, so he puts an ad in the paper and waits for the first applicant.

The next day, there is a knock at the door. The priest answers, and it's a man with no arms. This man explains to the priest that he would like to apply for the bell-ringer job.

The priest, shocked, says, "but, my son ... you ... um ... you do realize that you ... um ... well, you have no arms!"

"I know, Father," says the applicant, "but it is my mission in life to become a bell-ringer. I want to show people that my handicap will not stop me from doing the things I love!"

The priest, touched, allows the man to come inside, and follows him to the top of the bell tower.

"Stand back," says the applicant, "I need some room for this." Upon saying this, the applicant runs as fast as he can and slams into the bell, face-first. The bell rings loudly and ... well ... clear as a bell. Staggering back a few steps, the applicant gets a running start and once again slams into the bell. It rings out loud and clear once more.

Being that it was three in the afternoon, the applicant had only one more ring to complete, but he was so dizzy from the first two impacts that he ended up facing the wrong direction, and before the priest could stop him, he ran straight off the bell tower, falling to his death.

The priest ran as quickly as he could to the street below and confirmed, much to his horror, that the man had died. What was worse was that the priest had never gotten the man's name and didn't know how to notify his family.

Panicked, the priest began asking passers-by, who were starting to congregate, "Does anyone know this man's name? I need to notify his family!"

From the back of the crowd came a loud voice, "No, but his face sure rings a bell!"

(PART TWO LATER)
 
So this horse walks into a bar...

Bartender says: "Hey, why the long face?"



Ahhhhh.... I kill me :D


Another!

What did the fish say when he ran into the concrete wall?

DAM!


Last one, I promise... (for a bit, anyway!)

A Priest, a Nun, a Rabbi, and a Minister all walk into a bar...

Bartender looks up and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

*insert rimshot here!*



Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your server...
 
Very nice Ninja.

I have one.

George Bush and Saddam Hussein are meeting in Baghdad. Please excuse the messed up politics but this is needed for the sake of this joke.

As they are talking, Saddam pushes a button on his desk. A large boxing glove pops out and punches Bush. Bush is annoyed, but they continue. Later, Saddam pushes the button, and another boxing glove pops out and punches Bush. Bush is really pissed this time. Finally, Saddam pushes yet another button, but nothing happens. Bush tries to duck out of the way, but no boxing glove comes. Bush is embarrassed, and he leaves Baghdad because he is annoyed.

A week or so later, Bush and Hussein are meeting in Washington D.C. at the white house. As they talk, Bush presses a button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Saddam becomes annoyed. Bush laughs. Later, Bush presses another button. Saddam doesn't even duck, but Bush still laughs. Saddam thinks that Bush is weird. Finally, Bush presses a third button. Nothing happens. Bush laughs. Annoyed, Saddam finally announces, "I am returning to Baghdad."

Laughing, Bush responds, "What Baghdad?"


Hope you guys got the joke :)
 
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