A Story

Do you like the idea of the story?

  • Total voters
    12
Saber

Saber

Active Member
=(e)=
Joined
May 14, 2018
Messages
306
Oook. So in the pG forums, I had this running thread for the purpose of helping me develop a story. I want to start it up on here for three reasons:
1. The pG forums are closed for posts.
2. I need more feedback from a different community, which will give me more differing opinions from some of you that I don't know yet.
3. It will give me a chance to get to know some of you eGO guys, which I look forward too doing.

One last thing: the story is kind of weird and is kind of based off of a number of different religions, but nothing specific. This story isn't all about religion: it is just a part of the plot. I am also not trying to go against anybody's religious beliefs. This is a story created by me, nothing more, nothing less.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is the Thread about the Story:
So this is a story that I've been crafting in my mind for about two years now. I have never translated it from my mind to paper, or any type of documentation. I've never told anybody about this story before, because I think it's a little bit cringy, and plus, it has some flaws.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, without further a do, let's get on with the basic story.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Earth, in a different reality, mankind worships goddesses. The goddesses they worship are powerful divine beings that watch over the kingdoms that worships them. There are a lot of goddesses with different powers and abilities. For example; the main characters of the story: the goddess of fire and destruction, Saber, and the goddess of ice and creation, Sakura.

There are two types of goddesses that exist; Divine Goddesses, and Anti-Goddesses. Divine Goddesses are goddesses who aim to be pure and do good for the world. Anti-Goddesses are goddesses that have fallen into the temptation of evil. These two types of goddesses have been fighting with each other for millenniums. Divine Goddesses fight in the name of God, and Anti-Goddesses fight in the name of satan.

Goddesses have unique powers and abilities. Each goddess has their own trump card (not going to call them that in the end product, just a place holder name) based on the power they have. They also have a variation of a trump card called a phantasm, which is a trump card that the last holder of their powers had.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: so, this is just the basic foundation of the actual story, which is a lot more interesting and a lot less cringy and religion based
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actual Short Summary of the Story:
The actual story is about the goddess of fire and destruction, Saber. She has a great fondness for her equal, Sakura, the goddess of ice and creation. They really enjoy spending time with one another. They fight side by side in the war. They aim to be the most powerful goddesses and to take down satan themselves. After lots of battles, they start closing in on satan, but something unexpected happened. Sakura loses her life to one of satan's more powerful servants. Saber aims to personally kill satan herself to avenge and possibly resurrect Sakura. To do this, she faces challenges both physically and mentally, one after another to hopefully achieve this goal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Character Outline: Document is being made

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To clear up confusion about the details of the kingdoms, and religions, I'll be writing a prologue chapter below.
PROLOGUE CHAPTER: (Not the chapter. It's just notes to write the chapter so that it will make it easier for me. I also need to make it seem like a part of the story and not just details of the story)
On Earth, in a parallel timeline, most of mankind live peaceful simple lives within different kingdoms. Every kingdom worships a goddess, or a number of goddesses. For example: the kingdom (unnamed) worships two goddesses: the goddess of fire and destruction; Saber, and the goddess of ice and creation; Sakura. (Unnamed) worships Saber, so that she won't bring disaster to the kingdom, and they worship Sakura so that the kingdom will continue to prosper and develop. The kingdoms don't actually get to see the goddesses: They just pray to them. The goddesses are a way to keep balance in the world. They exist to represent the powers they have. When they die, their power is transferred to another divine being.
Outline of the Entire Story: (Unfinished)
Part One: Saber and Sakura are both very powerful goddesses. They are both Divine Goddess that fight the Anti-Goddesses that oppose them. Saber and Sakura win many battles together and start closing in on satan. They begin to fight one of satan's most powerful servants. During the battle, Sakura loses her life to the servant's trump card. Because Saber was so close with Sakura, she loses the ability to think straight and challenges the servant by herself. The servant is overwhelmed by Saber and her power, and are defeated. After the heated battle, Saber questions the servant. She tells her about satan, and the possibility to resurrect Sakura. They both side together and prepare to have a fight with satan himself. The servant tells Saber about satan and his powerful servants. Saber tells her "It doesn't matter how strong my opponent is, because I have to defeat them. I am willing to go above and beyond to get Sakura back. There is nothing in existence that can extinguish the raging fire that is my soul."
Part Two: (Unfinished)
Part two probably won't become implemented into the thread because of the fact that it isn't developed very well yet. I will probably put Part Two in the thread after I finish everything else that isn't finished in this thread.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is the feedback from my very generous friend: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12B2wb4brhI4-CefCJlaofyHA_VDpaiL-CKuCxOFgYlg/edit?usp=sharing
-This information is very important and is the best feedback that I've ever received. Please look at it and tell me what you guys think.
-it also may look a little harsh, but that is how feedback is supposed to be. It'll help me develop my story now!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for your time, and feedback would be appreciated whether or not it is positive or negative!
Have a wonderful day!
 
Last edited:
I think maybe tell us a bit about the Antagonists if you can? I like that you gave us an introduction to the two goddesses. Look forward to seeing what comes next!
 
The only antagonists that I can really explain are the two servants, but even then I am still working on their development as characters of the story. Either of the two servants have a defined personality, or even have a name yet. This leaves satan, which I also haven't worked very much on, because I think I can kind of grasp how I want him to be. I think I want satan to be an ass of a character. To be cocky about his power because one of his servants killed the Goddess of Creation.

Another idea that hasn't left my mind yet, is that there are going to be a fairly large cast of Anti-Goddesses with various powers. I haven't touched much on that thought, but I think it will be alright to say that there will be a cast of Anti-Goddesses that Kasai will have to defeat. This cast doesn't have a defined number of characters, and it also doesn't have any characters with defined powers yet.

Thank you for your feedback, it is greatly appreciated. I will try to show more character development for the Antagonists, but I will need to be careful since the topic very close to offending some religious beliefs.
 
Nep im sorry but i dont think im gonna read all this. But you do what you wanna do
 
oooooooook. It's been a while, but since I felt like rejoining the community, I really wanted to get this thread moving again. I was inactive for a while, and even got my E removed intentionally, because I was sincerely really upset that pG was shutting down. pG was important to me and took me a while to move on from it.

Anyway, this story is also important to me and I haven't been developing it for at least two months. I have come up with a couple of loose idea's, but I don't really like them. I need to get this thread moving again for the sake of the development of the story. I am determined to finish this story, with the help of all the wonderful people of this community. With that said, I would absolutely love if you guys would read the thread and give your opinion regardless if you think I am doing a bad job, because any feedback is beneficial.

Thank you for following the development of my story.
Have a wonderful day!
 
It has been awhile, I see you’ve been making some new additions to the story
 
Mcg said:
It has been awhile, I see you’ve been making some new additions to the story
Click to expand...

Yeah, I've been writing idea's down. I've mainly been working on specific character details, like personality, how they look, and what they wear. I'm also going to pick new names for the two goddesses, because I really don't like the names that I gave them. I have also decided that the book will be called "Fire and Ice," or "Flaming Fate." It would be awesome if you helped me come up with names for the characters. I am trying to give them names with a valuable meaning.

Thank you for following the development of my story.
Have a wonderful day!
 
Last edited:
Alright, so I have started developing a very detailed character description for all the important characters in the story, like the two goddesses , the servant, and satan. These will include the characters personality, and other important details.

I have only finished the description for "Saber," and I have to say, I wrote down a lot more than I thought I would. I have over a half of a page of details just for her, and I have 4 more characters to go. Finishing this will take a lot more motivation, so I probably won't get it done for a few days.

After I finish the description for all the characters, I will share it with you guys. So until then I have a couple of other things I want to talk about.

Since school has started, I probably will not be able to work on the story as much as I would like to, even though I didn't work on the story at all this summer. The plus is that I will work on my story now as apposed to not even giving it a thought. Now I can return to what I used to do. I used to work on the story a little before and after school. When I first starting writing about the story over on the pG forums, I was literally losing sleep over it.

I promise that I will finish this beautiful story for you guys, and then I will make it into a book.

Another thing is that I need feedback from you guys to continue developing the story at a decent rate. It is imperative that you guys tell me in detail why you like or don't like about the story. I will accept all criticism sent my way, because no matter what, it will help me develop the story.

I have also decided that the name of the story will be "Fire and Ice." I think it's a great name for story.

I also need you guys to help with names for all the characters.


Thank you for following the development of Fire and Ice.
Have a wonderful day!
 
Last edited:
Nep said:
Alright, so I have started developing a very detailed character description for all the important characters in the story, like the two goddesses , the two servants, and satan. These will include the characters personality, and other important details.
Click to expand...

OOOOK, so this is harder to do then I thought. I am having troubles coming up with character details for the second goddess and the two servants. I realise that I've pointed all of my focus at Neppy since most of story is about her and her quest, so that made it easy to write a whole page full of details about what she looks like, what she wears, what her personality is like, and what she likes. On the other hand when I got to Nepu, I kind of scratched my head, and realized how undeveloped she is in my mind. I have started on her, and have a good idea of how she should be now. I just need to write about her in full detail.

The actual thread for this story is starting to get wayyyyyyy to long, and is going to become a half bigger after I implement the new character outlines. So I am going to try to clean up the thread and get rid of some useless information. I am also going to organize the thread so that it is easier to look at.

The thread gets lots of views, but people don't really give feedback because they don't really want to read the entire thread. That is why I am going to reorganize the thread.

Thank you for following the development of Fire and Ice.
Have a wonderful day!
 
Detailed character outlines of the two goddesses are now finished and I will be sharing them with you guys and girls tonight!

All I need to do is the servant, which will actually be a difficult task.

I will bring you the updates as they come!

Thank you for following the development of Fire and Ice
Have a wonderful day!
 
Last edited:
-I've decided on everybody's names!

-I've also decided that there will only be one servant instead of the two.

-I also am almost done with the character outlines, and I just need to finish the servant's character outline.

-The names will be implemented tonight, and I will write the character outlines in a google document so they don't double the size of the thread

-I will also be putting different parts of the thread in different google documents so this thread can look good and will encourage people to give it more attention.

Thank you for following the development of Fire and Ice
Have a wonderful day!
 
I haven't been making much progress on the story. I've been goofing off and doing bad at school, which really pisses me off. I'm mad at myself for not putting 100% into school, considering that this is my 2nd to last year of highschool.

-progress on the story is being hindered by interest and school.
 
-Character Outlines are finished for the two goddesses and the servant.

-I will try to find some time to write them in a google document and share it with you guys.

-The character outlines have about 900 words it total, with an average of about 300 words each. This entire thread, excluding the outlines, has about 2550 words worth of content. I know that doesn't compare to a novel, but it is a lot considering that I haven't even wrote a single chapter yet. That is why I am going to move a lot of content in a google document.

-I will start writing actual story material after I share the character outlines.

School has kind of been a pain in the ass, and I have been trying to do good in it. I do think I am doing better this year then last year by a land slide. When I am at a very stable grade, I will start pumping good content into this story and will develop it at a way faster rate then I was before.

Another thing is that people are waaaaaaaay to intimidated by this thread because of how long it is. So people don't feel like reading the thread. So, I will try to find a way to make it a little bit more inviting.

Thank you for following the development of Fire and Ice
Have a wonderful day!
 
Last edited:
So, I got this huge chuck of feedback from one of my friends that looked at this thread. And he gave me like 2000 words worth of feedback.

-Don't get me wrong. It is a miracle that this happened and I will be able to work on the actual story now. All the feedback pointed out flaws in my writing that probably needs to be fixed.

-He also said some things that I should do that I already had intentions of doing, which makes me kind of happy.

-This friend of mine also has a lot of experience with literature. He reads lots of books.

-There is a lot to fix in this story of mine. I will get to work with that, but it will take a really long time to fix everything to seem better, because I basically have to restructure the entire story. I don't really want to do this, but if that's what it takes to make the story better, then I have no other choice!

Thank you for following the development of Fire and Ice
Have a wonderful day!
 
-I've started working on the notes to help me improve the story.

-Fixing the story is going to actually take a decent amount of time and thinking.

Thank you for following the development of Fire and Ice
Have a wonderful day!
 
Hey everybody! The thread has been update with more information! If you got to the bottom of the actual post, you will find a document. If you go to the doc, it will give you all the wonderful feedback that my friend gave me!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Back
Top