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- Mar 4, 2008
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The Mental clinic is back for another action packed edition! Only the best articles will be found in here, all for the benefit of you, the reader.
Today Before we start, we have a good news and bad news. As always, we’ll start with the good news:
A big clan meeting has been planned and is in the process of happening in the near future. Believe it or not, three buses will be leaving from the 4 corners of north America, carrying within their bellies, clan members from all over our continent.
Each buses will be equipped with two 24 slots servers to entertain the clannies on their way to meet the other clannies. Melee weapon-only for the first hours, since the bus will pick up members one by one at any given points during the trip.
Transportation is free!!! That’s right, everything is free, food, drinks and a laptop at every seat so the clan members can chat among each others on a local area network… stops in every states, provinces, 10 minutes tours of the local bathrooms and free t-shirts are also part of the trip.
At the end, these buses will meet in Chicago where everybody will be gathering at soldier fields itself!! Yes on the 50 yards line!!! There shall be a HUGE banquet, a few speeches shall be given as well as a confirmed presence of 10 32 slots servers to accommodate everybody on sight!!!! It shall be glorious PACK YOUR BAGS, WE’RE LEAVING!!!!
Now the bad news:
The first bus driver is a dog (since we’ve busted the budget big time)
The second bus driver is completely insane as well just plain silly.
And the third bus driver is not a problem. However his ride was highjacked last night and attacked by snakes.
So there might be a slight delay on the actual dates, we’ll get back to you on it asap. Thank you for your patience.
What is the world coming too?
Have you noticed lately the price of gas going up? Sky rocket prices are hard to miss especially when you ride in a stretch limo… I believe they have stretched gas tanks too, it costs so much to fill them up… no matter, I’ll fire my driver to save on gas and have my secretary drive me around…
But enough about petrol for now, who wants to read about it anyway? Lets talk TF2 for a moment. There has been a lot of moaning lately in the long range department division of TF2, aka the sniper class.
Those who never heard the moaning I’m talking about obviously live under a rock or in Micheal Jackson’s mansion! Yes, the snipers are moaning , and why is that? Because of the price of gas believe it or not. I do believe you think I am a lookie, but let me explain:
It turns out that the snipers bullets they use are made far away from here, maybe in the basement of a half crazy elf… but still, far far away. And with the price of gas these days, it makes them pretty expensive to be shipped, therefore even more precious to shoot at people.
Take this: in Warpath a few days ago, I’m healing everybody like always and =(eG)= Bub comes to me begging for a uber. Those of you who know Bub, knows he plays sniper a lot. Sometimes he plays other classes but I have yet to capture a screenshot of him playing another class, but sadly, his scattered remains aren’t proof enough of being succesfull with other classes. I’d rather not post any screenshots of Bub looking like a T-bone or any blood leaking piece of meat because he would hate me for the rest of his life and maybe take me to court over it… although he would lose, being a wealthy man I can afford a good lawyer… anyway, we are drifting from the point as usual…
Bub comes to me begging for a Uber. I have a great heart. I give him one and to my surprise he starts running with the machete and picks up LOOSE GUNS ON THE FLOOR!!! Doesn’t swing at anybody , then run backwards, leaves me to burn at the hands of another psychopath Pyro and runs to a safe spot, behind Jehuty cloaked I believe, I thought was rather dumb at the time.
Since I don’t hold grudges, I let him off (which is better than he deserves), turn around, kill the 5 pyros with one crit bone saw hit and continue minding my own business.
On my eleventh consecutive domination in the round, the same thing happens but now it is a different sniper. =(eG)= Fuse comes to me asking for an uber. Since I believe in sharing, I let him have one. He takes out his machine gun starts taunting the enemy, then the enemy goes after him and gets caught by the SG behind the wall. Then fuse grabs the gun and takes a hike leaving me alone against 4 heavies and 4 medics all ubered.
So after I killed them all ( I’m quite angry at this point as you can imagine after being taken for a fool twice) I run toward fuse and I see Bub, who happens to be doing the same thing to another medic… a less skilled one, I think it was =(eGO)= Noobkiller…
So anyway, I grab the both of them by the ears and demand to know what’s up. They tell me that they cannot afford to waste bullets anymore because of the price of gas… etc…and I’m like: “Are you guys lucid?”
Then I hear =(eGO)= Thatguy yell. Turns out his gun has blown up because he’s been saving on money and started buying sniper ammo at Walmart… here is the result of it:
Now all three are creating about price of gas! In an act of sheer madness, Thatguy starts playing some dance trance tune, then they all start running in circles like chickens without a head, quacking like ducks, then run in the spawn point and start playing skip jacks.Then they all whip their machetes out and pretend they’re ubered by making weird uber sounds with their mouths…
So I’m there looking at all of that and I’m thinking: “I wonder what Buga cooked for dinner?”
And now a word from our sponsor:
The truth is out there!
For those who know a player that goes by the name of DigitalFeeling… people let me tell you that it is about time you learn the true story of this entity.
Before we start: You may already have heard him talk in-game, and maybe say something, along the way, about being a Texan. Oil also comes from Texas by the way.
Our friend DigitalFeeling. Dij, or Digi, or Digi-fee, or digit, or feelster, or Dj feeling or Did ja feel it or Deegee or whatever his numerous nicknames are, is indeed a product of Texas. Where am I getting with all of this? To this next piece.
In The late 1960’ies during the cold war. The US government, in one the most secret experiment of its time, was working on top secret project in the heart of Texas itself. Although the complex was underground, it had been exposed in the paper by overzealous journalists, who probably paid for it after, and therefore the plan was postponed, put to sleep, stopped, in other words: KAPUTT!
It was only about 17 years ago that a rogue US scientific named Bruce R. Banner ( who has nothing in common with the marvel created Bruce Banner) infiltrated the half-secured complex and re-activated, without Gov. consent or any obvious sense of morality, Project DIGI.
Project DIGI was, and I use the term loosely, the ultimate weapon against communism ( well at the time that is. Now McDonald is the best weapon). Project DIGI was the fruit of many efforts by scientists all over the US in the goal to build the perfect , most elaborate, synthetic being possible. Yes ladies and gents, an android. Not a robot, an ANDROID. Not c3p0 or r2-d2… more in the likes of Lieutenant Data in Star trek next generation, without the yellow eyes however.
Project DIGI has been taken away from the not-so-secret-anymore facility ( in fact I think you can actually google it now, it’s so easy to find) and placed in a family somewhere still in Texas. The law forces me to not write names down and I’m a law biting citizen so I shall not name anybody… unless bribed but then again, but then again, Capt Mental vs the US is not my idea of fun at the moment. ANYWAY…
Project DIGI has been raised in a family for now 17 years and has now been released to the public. He’s been named DigitalFeeling and now roams our servers where he is actually learning the ways of human behaviours.
Most of you, who know him, but got fooled by the fact that he’s actually an android that sounds like a regular joe, don’t have to worry about him, he’s functioning within normal parameters. How did I find out he wasn’t who we were lead to believe? Easy. When he said he came from Texas, I quickly noticed the lack of accent and how he said he did not like to chew tobacco in a pick up truck. That was way to odd for me, and I done my own searching. It did not take long, with the help of my secretary, that we found him out.
I’ve kept his secret for a few months now but it is time people know the truth about him… it can only help him integrate better in the human community. Just a few pointers however… if you are to talk to him, please proceed like this:
First in chat (steam) : Try to keep your typing elaborate as much as possible.
To ask how he is today: Greeting DigitalFeeling, are you functioning at maximum efficiency?
Although this sounds cold, you may want to type normally to him since it can actually make the conversation a bit bland chatting like a machine would. To do this, you have to enter this command in your chat message box ( on steam) : /me ( and then your text).
This shall turn the text blue and activate his frontal cortex to understand any “normal” talk, or even humor by that matter. The things you want to say to him should be easier to type, as he’s got intergrated translators processors ( dual core) and it actually runs a lot faster than you would imagine for a 1969 experimental creature.
Example of commands without the blue text but still functional
In voice: well there is no way for him to hide it. His voice sounds a bit mechanical. He sometimes babble some disturbing sound which is supposed to be laughter but is actually his OS rebooting. For some reason, everytime somebody comes up with something funny, his OS reboots to analyse the joke and to store it in his favourites so he can access later if needed.
You should also know that he’s plugged straight in the server through a panel at the base of his heal with a 3 inch thick cable. Yeah well they did not upgrade him to windows vista yet. As a matter a fact, he’ not pc ready at all . No plug and play for this guy yet, the way he learned to play TF2 by just looking at the screen is actually very impressive. His playing is done like this: He plugs that monster cable in the cable box ( in the basement) , access ip addresses with his frontal cortex, downloads the console logs and starts playing.
The way it is done is funny because he stands near the cable box, not moving a muscle ( or transistor), his eyes blink really quickly and he talks to himself.( That is creepy actually.)
When he does his admin duty, sometimes you can hear a fan as he has overheating issues. But on the whole, he’s a good guy and we all love him. So as much as I would like to tell you more about DIGI, I will not, you can contact him by typing numerous commands starting with the letters DIGI1969 in your Windows regedit , he should receive everything and reply really quickly. Unless he is plugged in the phone jack of course.
Although the latest model of the DIGI project is the DUNK project. Digital Urbanized Neurotic Kid. Although this version might have a bit of speech issues ( like extreme talking) which overloads his speech processor, he is at least built to work with any Microsoft compatible program.
The latest Model is the DUNK 182 model, which also plays in our servers. For those who know this model, he sounds a lot more human and can actually fool you into thinking he’s actually a kid when he’s in fact a green-skinned elf. Ah, the wonders of technology!
And now for our Gossip of the month:
Alien invasion???
Warning, for those who remember the original Star Trek episodes… remember this?
The exact same entity that killed captain kirk’s crew has now been spotted on eGO servers and his actually killing everybody in sight!! Take a look at this:
Man oh man, and all those time I thought it was just a dumb corny show!! The cloud has been leaving a trail of death but for some reason is only attacking Soldiers? I don’t understand why but it doesn’t matter much since I don’t play that class anyway.
The entity seems to work in a mysterious way. First, it surrounds you and make you completely confused. And then it kills you slowly. An example can be seen here when I tried to save an =(e)= by warning him and noticed he was already affected by the evil cloud.
Anyway, to anybody who plays soldier, just keep your head on your shoulders and don’t panic… You’ll die since the deadly alien cannot be killed by any conventional weaponry. Take it like men and don’t cry. So, you see, there is no reason to lose your head over such matters!
Gaming for dummies with the good KCaptains
This time ladies and gentleman, Kaptain and I will try to teach you a trick about gaming in TF2 as well as a few useful admin tips.
Captain Mental: I am admin in a server and a guy comes to me and shoots me in the back with a shotgun. Should i kick him?
KaptainKangaroo: Who is it?
Captain Mental: Is it relevant?
KaptainKangaroo: Yes.
Captain Mental: He's family
KaptainKangaroo: What color is he?
Captain Mental: purple
KaptainKangaroo: what color am I?
Captain Mental: Wait i am supposed to ask the questions
KaptainKangaroo: If he's the same color as me then it wouldn't hurt.
Captain Mental: Kaptain, you have seen many hackers in your illustrious career
KaptainKangaroo: A total of none.
Captain Mental: Tell us what is the mentality of a hacker.
KaptainKangaroo: Picture someone so desperate to be popular that they'll cheat to boost their stats in a system that doesn't work. After being kicked and ostracized from the gaming society they defend themselves by screaming in a high-pitched voiced and assuming everyone is out to get them.
Captain Mental: And that would , in your opinion, summarize the life of a common hacker?
KaptainKangaroo: Definitely. It's a form of masochism. They feel more popular the more people hate them.
Captain Mental: Would you hack for cookies?
KaptainKangaroo: Yes, but only because I’m desperate for the cookie.
Captain Mental: Kaptain, when you get ubered, do you ever taunt?
KaptainKangaroo: I only taunt after I've vanquished many foes and come back alive, usually without my medic.
Captain Mental: There has been rumors that your medic has not been following you to the end?
KaptainKangaroo: It's true. Medics are a cowardly breed of instigators. Just a gaggle of chumps who are more interested in points and achievements than helping their team-mates.
Captain Mental: Would you retract that last comment for money?
KaptainKangaroo: Yes, but for no less than 50 fun dollars.
Captain Mental: Kaptain, last time you've been spotted , you was laying in a pool of your own blood wearing a silly gas mask. Who do you blame for that?
KaptainKangaroo: Some silly little girl who insists on dominating me. I think her name is h00sTracks or something equally silly.
Captain Mental: Has there been rumors that maybe you've tried to make sure you land in the same team as her to avoid being gunned down like a silly furry vermin?
KaptainKangaroo: I always choose the opposing team because I believe it to be a vague and alien mating ritual.
Captain Mental: Ok... now spawn camping. do you agree with it?
KaptainKangaroo: Spawn camping is a cowards way of padding their stats. There is not strategical advantage to it. It also decreases the number of people who return to a server because it can be more frustrating than certain forms of griefing.
Captain Mental: And have you ever spawn camped while juggling with grenades?
KaptainKangaroo: Never. I can juggle though.
Captain Mental: So if you can juggle, would you actually consider joining the circus for money?
KaptainKangaroo: No, I have a fear of monkies. From where I come from it is a constant struggle for territory between the marsupials and monkies. I actually left that place in the hopes of leaving them behind but alas, it was not to be. I am still plagued by their evil.
Captain Mental: Were you abused by monkeys in your youth?
KaptainKangaroo: No comment
Captain Mental: Would you spawn camp a monkey?
KaptainKangaroo: No. I don't stoop to their level
KaptainKangaroo: : You know how to make tomatos sauce without tomatoes?
Captain Mental: hum…
KaptainKangaroo: I have tomato paste..
Captain Mental: Can i have some?
KaptainKangaroo: No!
Captain Mental: Which of those sentences will get you kicked from a server: Kaptain i hate you and your furry ways. Kaptain add me to your friends list . Kaptain I'm fallen and I can't get up.
KaptainKangaroo: I accept the first statement and expect it on a regular basis. Friends lists are a place for people who actual converse outside of the game. I'd kick them if they asked twice. As for the last statement, weakness is for chumps and they don't deserve to be in my presence until they toughen up.
Captain Mental: Would you say you prefer people who are tough and will not kick someone who actually loves you from the bottom of his heart?
KaptainKangaroo: Love is also a weakness And anyone who'd dare admit to loving me during a game should be shot in the foot and banned, permanently.
Captain Mental: I love you…
KaptainKangaroo: We're not in game, jerk-bag.
Captain Mental: Kaptain i would like to thank you for sharing your wisdom with all our readers and hope to be able to have you as a regular on this show. Your check is in the mail.
KaptainKangaroo: Bloody Canadians..
Mental flakes are making people Mental!!
Ever since a few weeks ago where the world known Mental Flakes cereals sponsored the Mental Clinic, we’ve had people sending us ( me) thousands of letters. Of all of them, I’ve filtered the ones who belonged to actual clan members. Yes people from this clan have been sending me fan mail…I mean, I don’t mind but I’m not comfortable with having lots of attention and gifts… I mean, I say thank you and I shake hands as much as a I am able too but the overwhelming mass of fans grows more day by day. Sadly I cannot answer everybody so I thought I’d at least answer a bit of fan mail in my Clinic of this month: here we go:
Jehuty Wrote: Dear captain. Since I’ve stopped eating raw steak for breakfast, I’ve had a lot more success with women. Here is a picture of me as I am about to go out with my new suit and my new girlfriend. Thank you so much. Mental flakes FTW!
Dear Jehuty, please go back to raw steak right away before the new GF sees you. Love Capt M
Hoostrax wrote: Hello Captain, congratulation on your show. I’d like to thank you for Mental Flakes. Since I mix them with strawberry quik, I can’t shoot straight anymore but I see happy bunnies everywhere . Look, I’m not kidding!
Dear Hoostrax. Did you try using milk with your cereals? Look on the back of the box, it says if you actually mix sugar with the cereals, you’ll wear a straight jacket for a week. Please read the labels in the future, sincerely Capt M.
Anders wrote: Hey Mental, your disgusting cereals taste like cardboard, you should have eaten some before you accepted the sponsorship! Gimme my money back or else!
Dear Anders: What you are eating is actually the box itself. Try opening the box first. Sincerely Capt M.
Digitalfeeling wrote: hhhhhhmmmm, *pook* * bleep*
Dear Digital: Stick to electricity and leave food alone. Sincerely Capt M.
***And on this note, our sponsor wishes you to know they are only offering you the best quality in cereals today:
That’s it for this Mental Clinic, if you wish to be a part of this show, you can reach me via Personal Message on this site. If you have breaking news you think should be in this show, please let me know via PM. If you’re looking for customer service, send PM to the attn of Ethel.
Thanks for reading, god bless you all, and remember:
BE HUMBLE!
