Worst. Strategy. Ever.

[agent86]

I keep shaking my head every time I play TF2 - there's always someone on voice chat or text chat trying to be an armchair general. And they're always giving the team the most useless advice! Surely you've met a few. Post your favorite completely useless advice/strategy here!

(Note: Yes, some of these are actually valid, and work under certain conditions. However, I have frequently run into people who suggest them at completely inappropriate times Plus, it is supposed to be funny! Laugh!)

I'll start off with a few:

"SCOUT RUSH! They'll never know what hit them!!!!"
SENTRY GUN! You won't either!!!!!

"Hey, we need to get on the point/get the intel/touch the cart!!!"
Yes, thank you, the text briefing, briefing video, announcer's voice, and little icons showing the status of the round all confused me. But now I see it - we need to complete the objective! Good call.

"Engineers need to build their sentry gun."
Man, thanks. I was standing here thinking I was forgetting something. Was it shotgun shells? No, no, got plenty of those. My wrench? No, still set to my melee weapon. OH, RIGHT! The sentry gun. I really should build one of those... I generally just play engineer because the shotgun is sooooo cool, and I get to wear this neat yellow glove.

"Medics should build uber. Then we can take the point."
Surprisingly, the solution to most of the problems that arise when being shot and exploded repeatedly are actually easily solved by being completely invulnerable to bullets and explosives.

"Why do we have 4 snipers?!? Some of you should switch."
Right, because that guy who picked sniper even though there were already 3 on the team, and has 2 kills after 15 minutes of play is really an awesome demoman with mad teamwork skillz who just needs to change classes and then our team will win.

These kind of things always make me want to respond with "Yeah. And you dead guys. Stop dying so much. And kill guys on their team more."

If only people would listen to me!!! WE WOULD TOTALLY WIN!

 

[HardHat]

We need a dispenser right here!
On a serious note, sometimes a leader or four can really help pull the team together. No one speaking on the mic = mindless rabble. Three or four speakers = organized rabble. Even general encouragement over the mic can be really helpful.

 

[nossr50]

The only ones I have to tell people are usually just because our team needs it.

On gravelpit, sometimes throwing ubers at the other team isn't enough, me and another eGO clan member can take down sentries as long as he saps them, when we have no spies as the attacking team we usually get pushed to spawn. I usually think 1 good spy or just 2 ok or better spys is enough. As for snipers there are certain maps where having 4 of them won't do you any good, but as long as you know how to play a sniper and that's your skill then do it. The only thing that can get excessive is too many spys or too few medics, it's really just common sense to have those and it may sound annoying to ask for more. When I tell engineers to build sentries it's usually because I'm going to help them build it, or I notice that one of the key parts of the map that we need a sentry to hold back the other team isn't there, in that case I say "Build the sentry at x location if anyone can".

Now for some funny ones I've heard

"Lets all charge kritskriegs"

or

"I got an uber" when it's really a kritskrieg

One thing that I say is "stand on the point" sometimes people don't get that just by dying you slow down their time to capture and allow the main force to get closer. I hate seeing someone run off the point because he is outgunned when he will just get killed outside a few moments later.

 

[Booster37]

Well, there is a difference between trying to let the team know what's going on and total hypocrisy. There are some people who play who truly just don't get it. There are also some who just don't care. Yes, people who try to John Madden everything (if you watch football, you know what I mean) can be a bit annoying, but they are trying to help to some extent.

 

[Sir Leeroy]

actually some of those are good. When teams go for kills and maybe not the point/cart, they need encouraging.

 

[JoshNck]

Sometimes when my team has lost like 4 games straight, I like to give really really bad advice and people follow me. Like having your entire team HWGs that's always fun.

 

[I-Die-Often]

Yeah.... ~rolls eyes~.... the BEST way to pick up the intelligence is to have half the team playing snipers! Nothing irritates me more than to have half the team as snipers or just plain AFK... DISCONNECT ALREADY!!! As for the snipers... some people are really good as a sniper... others serve the team better by charging in and showing us where the SGs are at... :lol:

 

[Kody]

"All the pyros meet me in the water"
"Ok get the intel, good, now go up there...AND WATCH OUT FOR THE DEMO!! ahhh crap"
"When you a sniper, if you shoot them in the head they die instantly"
"So do they stickies stick anywhere!?!"
"If we plan to win this round we need to capture the intel"

Well those are my favorites XD

 

[Captain Mental]

My favorite one was before i was an (e). Made by a seven year old named Rudo in all talk: "Engineers, start building....stuff!"

He'd also say: "Attack!!" but as soon as ONE enemy would show up he would screem " Run away and hide".

So his strategy was great cause he would stay in his spawn point alot and would come out only when his team won saying " i told you we'd win!".

 

[Goretex]

on warpath you hear this often when someone breaks the wall down.
"They are breaking the wall down..oh crap there is a lvl 3 sentry in there!Kill it!!!!"

really Einstein? I would prefer walking in front of the sentry gun for the last 15 minutes of the map without even trying to shoot it.

also i can not hear this enough on warpath
"build up your uber so we can take out the sentries"

OMG RLY IZ DAT DA WHULE POIENT!?!???????

 

[Arbitrary]

I think I qualify as one of the more annoying users of microphones. I apologize for letting anyone in my LOS die, warn about sniper dots too late, warn about spies and remain unheard... but I also provide excessive commentary about how I'm getting owned by the other team's demomen, and how poorly I percieve myself to be playing.
Henceforth, I resolve to shut up more

 

[agent86]

[quote1211637355=Captain Mental]
My favorite one was before i was an (e). Made by a seven year old named Rudo in all talk: "Engineers, start building....stuff!"

He'd also say: "Attack!!" but as soon as ONE enemy would show up he would screem " Run away and hide".

So his strategy was great cause he would stay in his spawn point alot and would come out only when his team won saying " i told you we'd win!".
[/quote1211637355]

I played with a guy like that on convoy not too long ago. He was medic, and he would spawn, immediately run to their base, and then freak out when he saw their team.

"Oh no! A Pyro! I am running away now. Where is our team? The pyro is burning me! Ahhhh! I am scared!"

Seriously, a play by play about how the other team freaked him out..... Maybe you need a calmer game to play

Also, as I mentioned, sometimes we need a strategist, and sometimes these strategies work. However, I find it silly to be told "We need to push the cart" when they have 3 sentries and 80% of their team covering it. It just makes me laugh

 

[Glorious]

[quote1211642109=Captain Mental]
My favorite one was before i was an (e). Made by a seven year old named Rudo in all talk: "Engineers, start building....stuff!"

He'd also say: "Attack!!" but as soon as ONE enemy would show up he would screem " Run away and hide".

So his strategy was great cause he would stay in his spawn point alot and would come out only when his team won saying " i told you we'd win!".
[/quote1211642109]

I chuckled. Haha

 

[Cage]

Hahahaha, I always have to laugh when I hear people on their mic just shouting a class name... and that's it. Like... I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the information.

"Solider!"

 

[CharlesPNorris]

My favorite thing is when I am a Medic and I have about 90% uber, I call for a pyro. This is how the situation usually plays out:

"Hey, I need a pyro. There you are. Ok agent86, hold on I've almost got uber... I said WAIT!!! No, don't run in there yet!"

And then, of course, I have to follow him in and I die a tragic death with 99% uber.

 

[nossr50]

Charles, when I play medic and I call for uber I usually wait for someone to respond via text or mic, that way you can't really fail

 

[Prince Abu]

On gravelpit...

EVERYONE RUSH C!!!

 

[CSmith]

yeah haha, as with everyone elses i love the old one. any CP map (mainly dustbowl)
*the round starts*
"ok guys we need to get on the point, then we will win"
....really..hmm i didnt know that i thought we were trying to GET THEIR INTEL!!!!! thats like the reason i joined dustbowl right? intel? not cp...
I hear that one atleast 3 times a day

 

[nossr50]

I often say sarcastic things when people say really obvious things "Guys we need to win" I reply "I thought we were supposed to lose", or "We need to work as a team" and I say "I thought this was solo fortress 2, my bad"

all in good taste

 

[Karnage]

I dont really mind it. To me it's better than no one talking on mic.