Critique requested

[BlackMesaSouth]

OK eGO I need a favor. I had to write an essay for a chance at a scholarship. This is rather important so I want as many people to see it and give feedback. The topic is "What do you think is true patriotism?"

The file size is to big to do an attachment so I uploaded to Mediafire.

http://www.mediafire.com/?kmzotmedjtm

Critique it on any level from the ideas behind it to grammatical errors. Most importantly be honest. Yes I do realize the conclusion is rather weak but the main body is what I am more concerned with.

http://www.truepat.org/essay.php

Organization website if needed for reference or something.

 

[subtle_turtle]

Reading it now. I'll ask my wife (she is a professional writer) to look it over tonight if she has time.
Quick note: I noticed that the contest doesn't request the paper in any particular format, but I recommend doing it anyway. Well formatted papers look nicer and read easier. I recommend The OWL at Purdue as a good online guide to writing styles:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/557/01/
For example, this sentence:
"In the American Crisis Thomas Paine referred to the ?Sunshine Patriot, and the Summer Soldier.? "
would be reformatted to:
"In <u>The American Crisis,</u> Thomas Paine referred to the ?Sunshine Patriot, and the Summer Soldier.? with a citation either in the footnote or in the bibliography at the end, formated like this:
Paine, Thomas. "The American Crisis" <u>Thomas Paine's Writings, Containing The Major & Minor Works, and Letters</u> New York, Citidel. 1945

 

[BlackMesaSouth]

Thanks. Appreciate it.

 

[subtle_turtle]

Hmm... no HTML in the new forums. Where I included the <u> tag, that means underline.

 

[BlackMesaSouth]

Didn't think about formatting and citations. Those are the little thing I usually miss.

By the way if you need stuff like underline go to your options and at the bottom choose Standard editing.

http://www.edgegamers.org/forums/profile.php?do=editoptions quick way to get where you need to for it.

 

[paul bunyan]

Paragraph two, line eleven (counting from first sentence not paragraph) of paper:

However, a truly patriotic person will stand by America and [it?s] values until the end, never fearing what can happen to them if it should fall.

I believe [it's] should be changed to [its].
----
Paragraph two, line twelve of paper:

Although no matter how determined or talented a single person is[ ] one alone cannot support America.

I don't know, but I think where the brackets are there should be a comma.
---
Paragraph two, line seventeen of paper:

The patriot also knows that government plays a substantial role in this [county?s] success.

I believe [county's] should be [country's].
---
Paragraph five, line forty-one of paper:

It is important to know that an educated person with strong morals and who has the big picture in mind makes a larger contribution to the nation than a wealthy person that lives recklessly,[] is only looking out for themselves and doesn?t give a second thought to the long-term affects of the actions they take.

Don't know if it should have an [and] where the brackets are, but this sentence seems to be a bit of a run-on and a little confusing reading it.
---

I thought this was a good essay. The points you make are well written. Just a little nit-pick I'd say is maybe make the last two paragraphs of the paper a little thicker (a couple of sentences or so) to add more support to your point and conclusion.

I mainly looked at grammar mistakes (or what I thought was a mistake). So, I hope this helps out. Overall, this was a good paper. Best of luck on the on the scholarship.

 

[BlackMesaSouth]

Thanks for the replies. Did some work on made the suggested corrections and made what I hope is a better conclusion, and did some rearraning to hopefully create a better flow of ideas.

http://www.mediafire.com/?wyzzlm22mcn

 

[BlackMesaSouth]

I goofed and linked to some inbetween version from somewhere in the editing process.

This is the actual one:
http://www.mediafire.com/?iq3j0vpe4jk