Scandal in the Research World! Train Project Labeled "Failure."

Monkeybits

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Those who have gamed with Monkeybits for a long time are aware he's been engaged in an ambitious behavioral modification and research project involving locomotives. His project is entitled, "The Train Pacification by Hugging Program." Designed to make maps like Well safer, at least with regard to freight trains, the program has captivated observers since its inception.

Many players have participated in the study over the course of more than a year. The several thousand resulting deaths have caused some in the scientific community to label this project a failure.

"Right, well, you can't really call it a success," criticized fellow researcher Mental Buga. "The trains have exhibited no difference in behavior over the time of the study. They keep brutally running over players. Even medics."

To demonstrate his point, she produced a set of pictures demonstrating Monkeybits in action:

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"Predictable result, wouldn't you say? Dr. Bits should spend his time avoiding these steel behemoths, not trying to pacify them."

"I was a bit antagonistic trying to calm the trains as a pyro, I'll admit," countered Monkeybits, "but they respond better to medics."

"Bollox. Sheer poppycock. Explain this, then!" replied Mental Buga, providing another image.

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"Further, the steel beasts haven't been attending any anger management sessions with Dr. Monkeybits. This program is finished," pressed Master Mental.

Some controversy has revolved around Monkeybit's funding and former career. Some scientists say Dr. Monkeybits is perfectly aware of the failure of his program, but is simply trying to hold on to his funding following the failure of his medical practice.

"Nonsense," defended the furry researcher. "I have a solid and steady career and am well respected within the clinical community. My work is going well. This is not about funding."

Monkeybits pointed to successful doctor's notes that have improved the gaming lives of fellow players as evidence.

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AHAHAHAHA that was one of the most epic posts I've ever seen. Kudos to you for compiling this report.
 
Well, the research has gone on for years, spanning many servers. I figured the people had the right to know.
 
Hmmm. Your results are puzzling. Im curious to see if the train would respond to a hug en masse.

Perhaps a 32 person hug would modify its behavior?
 
We attempted nearly that many this evening at the event. We pretty much all boarded the failboat together.
 
Hmm. Hope people don't think I'm stealing from you.

You see, I've been performing my own psych studies in game.

Just... not with trains. More details to come.
 
*salutes
An absolutely incredible post, very nice, very funny.
Something else:

A separate research group had been pursuing different methods of train pacification. Instead of the hugging paradigm monkeybits and his fellow researchers had advocated, this team instead supported a more antagonistic method of train pacification. REDs and BLUs worked together to defeat their common enemy, by wrestling it into submission.

Their trials are documented [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQiQvdFGZPs"]in this video[/ame]

Though they achieved some measure of success, actually causing the monstrous steel entity to pause in its destruction, they were ultimately unable to fully pacify the train. Which goes to show what you can't do when you work together.
 
As McP has posted, Monkeybits your research is too far behind. Your 'ethics' prevent you from true discoveries. Next thing you know, you won't want to hurt the devil in the waters of blackmesa to test some theories. Yes ethics are much required; however, your moral highroad is much too high. I cannot fund such research if I know the end result is something not worthwhile.

I urge you to stretch the extend of your knowledge and innovate. Implore more demanding methods to your research. Don't be afraid to kill 32 ppl at a time in necessary.

--OSVG, Head of the War&Fire Axes for Tots Foundation based by Qunation(WFATF-BBQ).
 
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We need to think to an alternative to get more patients at the DMG medical clinic, build super powered Nucleus 3000000 LB pressure Trains equiped with nuclear warheads and that moves at the speed of light. That is what we called an ethical alternative, simple and complex but it works !
 
We need to think to an alternative to get more patients at the DMG medical clinic, build super powered Nucleus 3000000 LB pressure Trains equiped with nuclear warheads and that moves at the speed of light. That is what we called an ethical alternative, simple and complex but it works !

I like your thinking Monkeybits should employ you.
 
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The Nucleus Project = Disclassified, project report:

The project completly failed truster 1 and 2 blew up,

Project nucleus 2 is coming soon.
 
Ginga, I'm really glad somebody caught that! =)

Louis, we'll absolutely use you at Drunken Monkey with a Gun. Just don't bring that rocket-propelled monstrosity!
 

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