Joke of the day.......

drblac0

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Oct 29, 2009
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A man and his wife go to a county fair for 50 years and every year the man said he would love to go on the helicopter but his wife said ?50 is ?50 and one year the pilot heard this and said if you don't make a sound on the flight you can ride for free so the pilot done everything he could to make them make a sound even loop the loops and at the end the pilot said congratulations you didn't make a sound and the man said i almost made a sound when my wife fell out but ?50 is ?50.


:lol:
 
Two sausages are cooking in a pot.

The first sausage looks at the second one and says, "Boy, it's getting pretty hot in here."

The second sausage looks back at the first one and says "HOLY COW A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!"

double-facepalm.jpg
 
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

:lol:
 
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

:lol:
Pffff, you stole that from Pulp Fiction.
 
Pffff, you stole that from Pulp Fiction.

it would seem it would not matter where the joke comes from as long as it somehow makes a person smirk, smile, laugh, role your eyes or somthing. The point is to try to start people days off with a smile.

P.S......I don't steal
 
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

:lol:

Win. This was my favorite for sure, lol.
 
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."
:P
 
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again." ...
 
Questions No One can answer:


What disease did cured ham have?


What's the difference between unique and very unique?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with t corpse in it?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
:P
 
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1.Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.


2.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.


3.Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).


4.Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.


5.Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.


6.Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)


7.Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)


8.Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
 
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part
of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab
anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

023.jpg

:P
 
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
______________
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
______________
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
______________
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
______________
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
 

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