Joke's of the day By: Evil-Jester

[quote1197167315=Ryu Takezaki[JONES]]
I love you evil jester
[/quote1197167315]

I 2nd that :P
 
awww im popular yay just for that ill post some more


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

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A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!." Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.."

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New and Interesting Thanksgiving Turkey Uses

As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.

As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.

As a hood ornament.

As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"

As a football for the after-meal game.

Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.

Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.

If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better et, put it in a pet carrier and ask the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

Makes a great doggie chew toy.

Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"

Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.

Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.

Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl!

Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"

Two words: Turkey puppet.

Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock.

Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup

and see how many dogs follow you.

From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

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Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

- - - - - - - - -

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

- - - - - - - - - -

This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

- - - - - - - - -

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

- - - - - - - - - -

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

- - - - - - - - - -

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

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Fun At the Drive-Thru

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order,

have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

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As I said before, I never repeat myself

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
 
lol so far my favorite ones are the ones with the man and the woman getting in a car accident, the man emails the old lady and 50 ways to fail an exam or somethin. :P keep em comin jester
 
Here's my ALL TIME favorite joke, I can never stop laughing - lol.

......how do you scare a bumble bee?.........











BOOBIE!

LMAO! *** It helps if you do it to your girlfriend er wife cause you can reach out and give a little squeeze as you say it... adds a little effect.... =)***
 
[quote1197195818==(eG)=Trukilla{RD}]
lol those are my favorite ones too caine
[/quote1197195818]

Humorous minds think alike :D
 
yay im loved even more hahaha

In Phoenix, Arizona the law states that every man who enters the city limits must wear pants.

In Hackberry, Arizona there is a law that prohibits women from eating raw onions while drinking buttermilk on Sunday.

In some parts of the south, a widow or divorced woman isn't allowed to dry her underwear on the front porch or on a clothesline before the sun goes down.

In some parts of the south, women aren't allowed to eat pickles with their feet up on porch railings.

It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas while within the state.

The state legislature passed a law that the Arkansas River can raise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

Florida prohibits topless walking within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

In Florida it is illegal to jog with your eyes closed.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having relations with his wife.

It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to give beer to a moose.

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A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.

"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

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Jeff Smith, aka The Frugal Gourmet, read this on the air. Apparently a letter from a viewer: "I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?"

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HOW TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER

Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing."

When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

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I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!

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Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

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Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.

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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

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What do you get when you put Spice Girls in the toaster?

Pop Tarts.

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The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

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A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here.' The string walked away and sat down with his friends. A few minutes later he walked back up to the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, 'I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.' So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar. His friends think that he's crazy. So, he orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, 'Hey, aren't you a string?' And the string says, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'

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I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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There was a doctor who was the most respected in town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load. He was very successful. No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone and not the real doctor. After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes. The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name. He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off. The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSENE CLONE FALL.

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

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Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me

(and then took it all away).

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WOAH mostly all of ur jokes are long! i read the first line and stopped cuz im too lazy to read :O
 
well my jokes are good for if you are at work with nothing to do like some peeps hahaha (no names mentioned but you know who you are)
 
..... you don't hahahaha i though that one was gold




A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.' "

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How to write a college paper:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted area with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

5. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.

6. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

7. Check your email.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

13. Listen to the other side.

14. Check your email.

15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.

17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your toungue; savor it's special flavor.

19. Check your email.

20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

21. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.

22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discus the finer points of the plot.

23. Check your email.

24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench coated strangers lurking in the hall.

28. Check your email.

29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

33. Check your email.

34. Leap up and write the paper.

35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.

36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.

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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

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A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"

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joke time

One day, Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane, and they get into a discussion when Baby Spice stated "You know, I could toss a thousand dollars out the window of this plane and make one person very happy." Then, the oldest Hanson brother said, "Well, I could toss ten one hundred dollar bills out the plane and make ten people happy." Then Sporty Spice said, "Well, I could toss one hundred ten dollar bills out, and make one hundred people happy!" Then the middle Hanson brother very proudly said, "Well, I could toss one thousand one dollar bills out the window and make one thousand people happy!" Sick of the discussion, another passenger said, "Well, I have a better idea, I could toss all of you out the window and make the entire world happy!"

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Daily Affirmations

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

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Annual Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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"50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final or midterm exams)"

LOL
those were funny
too bad my finals are already over, I might have tried a few of these things
:P
 
omg its been 2 days sence last joke page so FYI THIS GUNNA BE LONG SO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TIME TO READ

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him,

chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

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A child of five could understand this. Quick, Fetch me a child of five.

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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is an exact recount of US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" The radio went silent and the interview ended. What a man ;)

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This story is about a rather strange reply for a campground reservation. It is said to be true, but you be the judge. A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: 'Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.'

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How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, its a hardware problem!

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Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

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Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

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Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

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When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

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What is at The beginning of eternity,

The end of time and space,

The beginning of every end,

And the end of every place ?

The Letter E

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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

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A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here. I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me !" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied . "Ma'am ...that's your air freshener.

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Two Drops Every Four Hours

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

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Quote me as being misquoted

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Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts... groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

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Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

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There is a thin line between insanity and all other forms of life. I am slowly removing this line because I feel that everyone would be better off crazy.

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Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can

"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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If the shoe fits .......Get another one just like it

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A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

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What are Y2k analysts and programmers gonna do after Year 2000?

Become expert witnesses.

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He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.

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What did Adam say to Eve at Christmas ?

ITS CHRISTMAS EVE !!!!

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Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

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Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

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Road kill Barbecue Sauce: "If it tastes too strong, it's been dead too long."

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.....It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

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You think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

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What will really happen in the Year 2000.

"99 Bottles of Beer" song gets stuck in an infinite loop

At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.

Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only two digits.

Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899" (which, frankly, doesn't seem like that much fun).

Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" Calendar.

Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonald's restaurants.

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My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

College Is Just One Big Party, With a $25,000 Cover Charge

Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

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WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',

From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',

I'm happy -- although

My boss let me go --

Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

There's a beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!

Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;

I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,

Don't go out, don't pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

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A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

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My dad was a great magician. He was Walking down the street the other day and turned into a bar.....

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I asked my old man if I can go ice-skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer."

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Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...' "

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

InDUHvidual: "It says, HIT ENTER when ready."

Tech Support: "Well?"

InDUHvidual: "How do I know when its ready?"

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Jon and Amanpreet are in a mental institution. This place has an annual contest, where they pick two of the best patients and give them two questions. If they get them correct, they are deemed cured and are free to go. Jon is called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understands that he would be free if he answers the questions correctly. Doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon answers, "I'd be half blind, doc." "That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, while the doctor is filling out the paperwork, Jon mentions the exam to Amanpreet. He tells him what questions are going to be asked, and also the answers. Amanpreet is called in. The doctor goes through the formalities and asks, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Amanpreet, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, says, "I'd be half blind." The doctor is a little puzzled, but he carries on. "What if I cut off both of your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." Amanpreet answers. "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall over my eyes."

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

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A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

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There were two blondes walking down the street one day and they came upon a compact. One of the blondes picked it up and opened it. She says, "Boy this picture sure does look familiar." The other blonde takes it and opens it, and says, "you idiot that is a picture of me!"

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Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

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A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "Say what?" replied the man in disbelief. "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

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What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stays up all night wondering if there's a Dog.

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
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T-SHIRT HUMOR
"Be Nice to Your Children...They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"
"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups"
"(On a baby-size shirt) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."
"I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling "
"I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days"
"Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You're Still an idiot"
"When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS"
"Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional"
"Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young"
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Subject: If Israel Bought Microsoft...
1) The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh, maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
2) Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.
3) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Verklemmt".
4) Hanukkah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".
5) The phone support department would now feel very guilty about leaving "on hold" for 20 minutes.
6) Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not getting any younger] button.
7) "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already your killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear that".
8) Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already"
9) "Microsoft Word" would be renamed "Microsoft Kibbitz".
10) When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
11) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schluffy" (to sleep, for non-Yiddish speaking people).
12) Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
13) Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.
14) "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
15) Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)
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Perfect Man / Perfect Woman
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect coupleand Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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Wisdom Teeth
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
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Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

SALES:
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY:
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

MARKETING:
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

HUMAN RESOURCES:
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

ENGINEERING:
One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING:
The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS":
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".

SENIOR MANAGEMENT:
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".

CUSTOMER SERVICE:
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT:
666.
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"
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Women Drivers!!!!!
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning, on I-95, I look over to my left and there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee.
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a "G.E." logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have "Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have "Ace Hardware" written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either kiss him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" To which she replied, "Hellooooooo.... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."
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25 SHORTEST BOOKS EVER
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O. J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
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THE BUTLER
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the rest of the night off. She said they would return home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing deeply, the tension mounting between them. She looked at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
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Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya knowMahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." An every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but tha aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go...the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands.He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!" And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fellout...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years." God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
 
know what F*** IT HEARS THE LINK FOR THE SITE TO LAZY TO KEEP POSTING HAHAHAHAHAHA LINK REMOVED
 
Awww, but now its not going to be Evil Jesters Jokes of the Day anymore :(
 
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