Best description

[The Sloth]

After reading the description of the Freedom Staff it got me thinking what the funniest one is, so instead of sorting through all of them I'm going to ask you guys!
What do you think is the most humorous stock description on an item?

 

[Mitsune]

My favorite one I could think at the moment is the Distinguished Rogue's description which says "This coat does so much of the heavy lifting to make you look like a sophisticated man of espionage, you won't need to wear anything else at all. Watch those heads turn the next time you attend a fancy gala completely nude except for a coat. So jealous. How about that guy calling the police? Is HE jealous? Yeah he is."

 

[The Sloth]

Haha that one is great, here's the freedom staff one : Since America was founded over ten thousand years ago, the noble eagle has been its symbol of freedom. Show people how much you like freedom by clubbing them senseless with a golden eagle on a stick, just like Kofi Annan

 

[Orange [INACTIVE]]

Officer's Ushanka: This hat was made of bear hands. That bear was killed with bare hands.

Archimedes: Before Archimedes came into the Medic's care, he made his living through wedding dovery. A lucrative trade, but he always felt something was missing. He looks back on that day that the Medic stole that catering van during the prime minister's wedding as the best day of his life. He's been burrowing into the chests of unwitting patients ever since.

 

[The Sloth]

I love the Ushanka one, and this is the exact reason why I still love valve

 

[Mr. Monday]

My two favorite descriptions come from Scout items.

The first is from the Dillinger's Duffel: "This duffel comes with leather straps so all your money doesn't fall out. The leather straps also don't tighten all the way, so some money WILL fall out, and ladies will know how rich you are. (Answer: Very. Also handsome.)" The last part always makes me laugh.

Second is from the Fed Fightin' Fedora

This hat commemorates that time you stuck it on a broom and tricked the Feds into shooting at it for an hour while you scooted off with all that bank money. Goes great with all those bullet wounds in your torso from that time you pulled the same trick on much smarter Feds.

 

[The Sloth]

The duffle one is great! "So some money will fall out, and the ladies will know how rich you are"

 

[Spoonbuster]

I like the Towering Pillar of Hats' description:

A-ha-ha! You are as PRESUMPTUOUS as you are POOR and IRISH. Tarnish notte the majesty of my TOWER of HATS.

 

[Jake Emberwolf]

Balloonicorn: Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.

That quote, lol.

 

[Grynn]

All father: Throughout the history of civilization, the white beard has come to symbolize wisdom and status. Show the world it's possible to be bearded AND stupid with this Heavy- and Soldier-specific face-nest. Shove it, civilization!