- Joined
- Mar 4, 2008
- Messages
- 571
Welcome once again to yet another Mental Clinic. The Mental Clinic, as you may have noticed, is returning once again due to popular demand, filled once more with relevant and fascinating subjects. Let’s just do a recap on the Dominate Kolak/ Win a car contest before we step right in today’s subjects.
The car was returned to the sponsor due to nobody being able to dominate Kolak, but my legendary generosity kicked in just in time to substitute another prize for that same contest after reading that some people were ticked off at not winning the first one. Let me just say that the last time that replacement car was spotted was in a bottom of a river somewhere in India and I do not think the man eating piranhas will let us fish it out, so I decided to end this contest ( once again). Kolak wins. What does he win? A full year subscription of our new cereal sponsor ( which is shown later in the show). Congratz Kolak, you’re the man.
The valve update: Is it just smoke or is it real?
Many of you have been crying about it. Some of you have come to me, kneeled down and asked me when the update was going to be released. People, I cannot keep the truth anymore from you. I know exactly when it is going to be released as I spoke to Valve three days ago. They gave me all the details, which I am going to relay to you in this Mental Clinic…
…For a price. I take paypal and I take cash, pm me and if you’re generous enough, I’ll tell you everything you need to know. That said, I am no capitalist but I can smell an opportunity when I see one. It cost me a bundle to get you guys a new car for that Kolak Contest, I want to get some money back if I can, so please don’t blame me for trying to make a quick buck. Before ( in a previous Clinic) I had stated I was incredibly wealthy, well it is still the case. The reason someone gets wealthy is because they know how to get money. With that said, let’s change the subject.
Tips of the week on how to properly play the spy. (Special collaboration by Jehuty)
[quote1209303096=Jehuty]
Take teleporters, don't cloak, don't disguise, uncloak in front of the enemy, try and sap enemies.
[/quote1209303096]
Thank you Jehuty for sharing your vast knowledge with the community, I am sure a lot of people will benefit from your wise words. Here is a picture of jehuty in all his greatness.
And now a word from our brand new sponsor:
Cloning: the work of the devil???
We live in 2008. For some it might still feel like 1978 but let me be clear on this: we are officially in 2008. We are in the future now, as before the year 2000, we were in normal time. According to SPACE 1999 we should be wearing seventies wide bottom trousers and tight grey tops. According to Star Trek we should have been in space by now, so we are in the future, no questions about that… both shows cannot be wrong.
Anyway, we’ve all heard about cloning. Yes, the taboo word of cloning. Should it be allowed, should it not be allowed… that is the question. Whether it is moral or not, what about gaming?
Yes you heard me right, what about gaming!? This is a prime example of what pure evil would spawn from TF2 if cloning was allowed.:
Not long ago, there was an experiment in Valve’s main office. They sneaked on our servers, ( in warpath I was there that day) they took a good look around and when none of us were paying attention ( which is a regular thing in warpath) , they rewrote a couple of command lines and left the server incognito, probably laughing hard at what they had just done to someone. So what you see in this picture is the result of their scheming!! UGH!!
I have to say that I am against cloning and I’m sure I speak for our clan when I say that anybody cloning a medic and a pyro should be looking at a permaban on all servers. Look at this picture, I still have nausea when I see it ( yuck!). If any of you have seen the movie the thing with Kurt Russel, then you know what I am talking about. I say put this guy out of his misery right now.
This said, it is time for our main sponsor to have a spot on our show ( while I go breath through a paper bag and think about something happy to change my mind)…
A word from our main sponsor:
New class expected to come out soon: The lawyer
The lawyer shall be Valve’s 10th class as soon as the lawsuit ( by the lawyers organization of legality (LOL)) against them is settled. The lawyer will be wearing a suit, similar to the spy ,although without the mask. Similarities with the spy stops there since the lawyer will be fighting for truth and justice, as opposed to the spy who likes to sneak and back stab. The Lawyers ( the real ones) clearly said to Valve that they don’t want nothing to do with spies and therefore will not get involved when a friendly spy gets shot at.
The lawyer’s melee weapon will be a briefcase which will do as much damage as his clients ( the team he plays for) will be willing to pay him ( ex: 200 $ an hour=200 points of damage an hour. It means that if the game last 60 minutes, and there was 2 briefcase shots given, then they were worth 100 points each. Since lawyers don’t use their briefcase often it should be worth a lot of damage each time, however a trigger happy lawyer might do as much damage as the medic needle gun… but be assured that any trigger happy lawyer shall be prosecuted by the remaining lawyers, so it shall be rare such things occur).
Other weapons will include the restraining orders ( which stops the opposing team from coming less than 50 feet away from the lawyer) which should also be useful in ctf games with the intel. This shall be his most powerful weapon, how much ammo it should carry is another story.
The objection shall be is secondary weapon, this weapon doesn’t have crit capabilities but will force the opposing team to retract the last comments they just made in all chat or in voice chat and it will also force them to share any strategy that can be useful to the opposing team. Failure to do so will result in getting the boot from the server and a 2 hour ban.
I also would like to say that the lawyer will not be doing our ego’s own “TheJudge” any special favour or any of his bidding because of his name. Valve has been strict on that rule and will PM everybody playing the lawyer class prior to the game, to let them know that TheJudge has no power over them. If TheJudge is reading this right now, sorry buddy but the lawyers won’t be listening to your orders.
The cons of the lawyer is that he WILL BE ABLE to call a recess during game at any time he feels it’s necessary, so we’re looking at longer games and frozen servers until play is allowed to continue. Also the lawyer will always be on the side that is winning. So he will defying auto balance as he sees it fit.
Sadly, we have no pictures of this class yet since there is a lawsuit against Valve ( as I mentioned before)furthermore, we are not yet allowed to even talk about it, I am taking a big risk here just writing this down for all of you to know. Make sure you don’t let the info leak, or they might close us down. Rest assured if anything happens to all of us, I shall get on it and save the day.
The animal corner!!
For the Clinic’s animal corner, Meet the Bat-Bear.
As many of you probably noticed, Bat-Bears aren’t your typical bears. Did it ever occurred to you that the almighty nature finds ways to impress the most common of mortals by coming up with some weird unknown creature ( often dangerous) that makes you want to hide in the shed until the sun rises? No I’m not talking about vampires, because they are not animals, they work for the government in the IRS division. No! Let’s be serious. The Bat-Bear, ladies and gentleman is truly unique.
The Bat-Bear starts as normal bears and this is where nature comes into play… these bears go raid trash cans and often come across old DC comics magazines, especially in trailer parks where people haven’t yet heard of recycling. Bears (and take my word on this) are very dim. For some reason, some bears don’t seem to be satisfied by just eating trash, sometimes there is a Bear who will evolve beyond its primal instincts and start worshiping superheroes. Most of the time, they worship Bat-Man for those reasons:
1) All Super-Bears have tried to fly and had accidents. They are now Ex-Bears.
2) All Green Lantern bears cant find the ring they need and they cant work the lantern either. They decide to migrate whatever planet Green Lantern is from, without success.
3) Bat-man is more accessible toBears since he likes to hide and comes out at night.Bears like that.
Here is a Bear who’s seen some crime being commited. Notice how he would normally not give a fluff if he was a regular bear but you can clearly see how infuenced he’s got by the comic book hero.
The rest of what happen after this shot cannot be discussed since the police has not yet finished their investigation and I would be prosecuted for revealing stuff if I carried on. Lets just say that it was a good ting that the bear happened to come this way when he did.
The only problem with Bat-Bears is that they have difficulty telling from a crime to a good deed and in the world of crime fighting, it is a problem. For some reason, many of you may have heard, or even seen a player by the name of Bat-Bear. Ladies and gentlemen, please know that you might be shocked by what I am about to say.
The Bat-Bear we know in the clan, is indeed a real Bear, dressed in a batman outfit. He has trimmed claws to allow him to properly enable him to play TF2. And for some reason, Is doing better than many of non-animal members in this great clan of ours. Our friend Bat ( we shall name him Bat) has picked the only class that comes close to a superhero, the medic. When he takes his bonesaw out for a ride, please know not to get in his way because Bears are often cranky and he might just pull your steam id and Stop by your house if you manage to dominate him in game. Bat-Bears are a bit like Wookies: if you don’t let them have their way, they’ll eventually get you, even if you hide in the shed and wield a shovel for defense. In the best case scenario, this Bat-Bear we know ( and love) will kill your tf2 player, which is better than being hunted for real running around the shed with your pants down to your ankles.
Basically, Bat-Bears should eat berries and trash, our Bat eats cheese and snicker bars. A strange diet for an even stranger creature, did I mentioned he thinks he knows karate too? People, avoid the Bat-Bear or be prepared to run around the shed like a penguin with your pants down your ankles. Oh and don’t forget to throw a snicker bar on the floor , it shall buy you a minute in order to high-tail outta here!
And now another word from our new sponsor:
Officer Friendly’s army.
Yes you heard right, rumor has it that officer friendly’s has learned hypnosis and his now making people do whatever he wants them to do. It all started like this: I was on steam minding my own business as usual when I got a message by a recruit to “come and join us now” in a private server. So, intrigued, I just done that. When I got there, I was forced to wear a party hat as Officier Friendly’s voice was playing in my headset.
Having been trained in the martial arts and all kinds of government secret programs, I definitely could tell what was going on. He was using subliminal suggestions to get people under his spell. Once everybody was completely out, he told them to gather in the center of the map and made them worship him for 30 minutes ( of course, I was aware of what was going on all the time and I had to fake being possessed otherwise he would have found out and sent his troop after me.( Not that it would have mattered)). So after that , he made them all praise him by making them say that he was beautyfull, had nice teeth , had nice clothes etc… etc… quite disturbing scene I have to say… it went on for another 30 minutes before he got bored with it and made them kneel again for another 10 minutes while singing a bad version of “we are the champions”…
Turns out nobody remembers what happened, next thing they know they were all playing in 2 forts and did not even know how they got there. Personally, I have nothing against hypnosis and since I am immuned to it, I let the weaker minds deal with it since there is nothing I can do to prevent them from falling for it. I think Officer Friendly is a master of hypnosis and I respect greatness. So if people were dumb enough to fall for it, that is their own problem. Hail Officer Friendly!
On a final note, I’d like to remind you all forget about that contest, it is over and none of you won it. You can appeal if you want but you it will do you no good .
So people, have a good day and don’t forget to BE HUMBLE.
Sincerely yours,
Captain Mental
all in good fun.
