- Joined
- Mar 4, 2008
- Messages
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once more to yet another fascinating Mental Clinic. This is all made possible by our sponsors to give you, the reader, the best journalism you can get for free. Without further a due, lets step right into action.
But first, there shall be a new addition to the Clinic this month as we shall unveil a new award that will be given to a lucky clan member. This is what we are referring to as the “straightjacket award”… awarded to the person with the most unusual personality worthy of a padded cell
So we’ve had a contest to find a proper sig for the award and here are the finalists of this prestigious contest:
Nossr50
Prince Abu
Kaptain Kangaroo
The winner is Kaptain Kangaroo, thanks to him for providing the clinic with a much needed award.
I would like to thank everybody who participated to the award contest. You shall receive a box of Mental Flakes for your effort!
At the end of this Clinic, we’ll announce the winner of this fancy brand new award!! WE’RE SO PUMPED UP, WE CAN BARELY CHEW A GUM AND WALK AT THE SAME TIME!!!!
But first our new sponsor:
Now, on with the show!!
Inside the Life of Captain Mental
People often ask me what I do for a living. In which case my reply is always: I’ll send my bodyguard to bust your knee caps tomorrow…
Yes I have a body guard from time to time. It’s been suggested to me I should have one since many want me to stay still while they back stab me.
Never will I understand the animosity of some players, I mean, I just tell the truth about them, congratulate them on their ridiculous spy costumes or say ”good post” to their silly posts in forums… and they go mad at me! Come one people, I’m pulling for you and you’re giving me a hard time. Example:
[quote1211716568=odin's will]
Oh "great" and "humble" captain, from now on I shall screenshot every backstab and headshot you recieve from myself to prove, you are nothing more then a myth! This made all the harder that oft times I find myself to scared to play on the team you do not reside on.
[/quote1211716568]
This was posted on the 25th or march. Since then I have had a few people applying for the bodyguard job. Some were cloaked spies, some were even snipers. Some have been good (or close to be) most of them have died in horrible ways
Since then, my number #1 bodyguard came back, after a more than a month of absence… he’s been badly injured while fighting off Ack and Jehuty at the same time. Those two shish kebabed him so bad , he had to eat his steaks with a straw for 3 weeks! Now he’s back and I am glad he is. It will allow me to actually tease instead of praise people all the time.
Yep Voltaire is back and now I feel protected 24 hours a day. Although feeding him is starting to be a problem as he is a food gorging bottomless pit. It is costing me a fortune in pop tarts, pepsi… he’ll even eat spam if he is stuck!
Ther is always a price to pay for protection guys… mine is 360 dollars a week just in grocery! If Voltaire don’t shoot you first, his garlic and peanut butter breath will have you running for the hills.
Royalty within the clan?? What the heck , are you out of your mind Captain??
I’ve been asked that question so many time, it makes me think I may actually be! But of course I know better… if I was really crazy, I wouldn’t know I was and since I know I’m not , then it means I cannot be. Or can it? Anyway, let’s get back on the horse.
You people know Azznik? Yeah , a pyro most of the time, who runs and explodes regularly all over our servers? Yes, the same. Well would you know that he is actually a blue blood? Oh, so you DIDN’T KNOW?? I’m not surprised, you people are always counting on me to bring you the news. I’m starting to wonder if you actually google stuff once in a while… anyway, my apologies, I’m not trying to flame my good readers here, The fact that readers are lazy is a human weakness that I have to deal with everyday of my life. When you save the world on a regular basis, people tend to rely on you way too much. That said, I’m continuing with my news.
Azznik is a direct descendant of Russian Monarch Yvan the Terrible. His love for fire has nothing to do with the fact that he loves the pyro class, it is actually because of his ancesters genes. Next time you see him, please do not mention this, since he’s been trying to hide it for over 20 years, ever since he moved to the US and came up with a phony American accent to cover the truth.
Don’t call him Dimitri Azznikolov, which is his real name, because he doesn’t have a green card, nor citizenship. If the gov knew , they would come and snatch him , stuff him in a jumbo jet with 30 marines guarding him and dump him back to Russia feet first probably.
Life is not easy when you’re trying to blend in!
Invasion ?
Not long ago, we all had to fill in our tax forms ( papers, whatever they are called). Personally, I think tax is for chumps.
Suprisingly enough, a player came to eGO just before that period of the year ( tax period). His name is the IRS. Coincidence?? I think not. Is it fair to say that this person has found some players that would be considered tax cheats? And has now admin powers to enforce tax payments for the benefit of the beloved government? I say: Possible.
Next thing I know, I go to ban request and I see a ( now deleted) thread for a ban that goes like this:
1. OFFENDERS IN GAME NAME: Micheal Scott
2. OFFENDERS STEAM ID: (unimportant)
3. SERVER: Goldrush, warpath, 2 forts, his kitchen, living room etc…
4. DATE AND TIME OF OFFENSE: 4/4/08 @~11:45PM PDT
5. ADMIN PRESENT AT TIME OF OFFENSE (if known): Just me, I’m the only one qualified
6. REASON FOR BAN REQUEST: Has not declared revenue x, y, z…
7. ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: also Doesn’t tip when he eats out.
Now, this thread has been deleted/moved because it seemed like it made no sense ( to the untrained eye). Now The IRS has got a BAN MICHEAL SCOTT avatar. Coincidence?
So, people, heads up. If you don’t give at least 10% of the restaurant bill in tip to the waitress, then the IRS will come to your house and repossess your fridge.
Disturbing news from beyond the grave: also known as 9 minutes of why it sucks to be Captain Mental (at times).
19:31 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: Just the person I was looking for
19:31 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I need your help
19:32 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: You do?
19:32 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: Yes
19:32 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: The sun did not rise this morning over the monkey forest
19:32 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: what to do?
19:32 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I’m not sure I fully comprehend the reality in which you find yourself at this very moment.
19:33 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: The monkeys are panicking and will not eat the bananas
19:33 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I'm afraid they will die
19:33 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: My child, have you ever been baptised? If not, that may explain the hallucinations.
19:33 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: OK
19:33 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I'll talk to Bubbles then
19:33 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: Thanks
19:34 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I fail to see what Bubbles’s involvement has to do with your current state. As much good advices she can give you, something tells me that you’re way past the point of no return.
19:34 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I'm fine, it's the monkeys that are in danger
19:34 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: * OK!! so … the monkeys are not eating!
19:34 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: Exactly
19:35 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: Can you see the emergency?
19:35 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: So why are you in danger?
19:35 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I am trapped in the Monkey forest
19:35 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: They not going to rip your windshield whipers or anything, so do not worry like that, you’re making me type extra words for nothing.
19:35 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: Right now I have a lantern
19:35 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: But only I can see the light from it
19:35 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I see dementia runs in your blood as well…
19:35 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I'm afraid if the light goes out, I will not see them sneaking up to eat me
19:36 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Most monkey smell bad, you'll know when they are close… and also they might rip you headset off…
19:36 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I smell bad too though
19:36 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: You're not supposed to be able to smell yourself ( much)
19:37 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I've just heard the rumors
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: The rumors? I thought my life was tough but you’re definitely passed my stage. Did you, see in your hallucinations, something that looked like a white van with two guys dressed in white waiving at you? If so, run for them now.
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I'll see if I can make it
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: oh no
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: too late
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: one is munching my toes
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I must bid you adou
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: adou?
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: and take care of this monkey munching me toes
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I can't spell either
19:38 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple:
19:39 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: but the monkeys don't mind
19:39 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I bet not, primates are not very bright to start with…
19:39 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: darn, there went my pinky toe
19:39 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: maybe I can use your services
19:39 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: On the bright side, you still have 9 toes left.
19:39 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: Can you hook me up with an artificial toe?
19:39 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I stopped practicing surgery after the Irak war. The trees had all be chopped down and the wooden legs were way out of price. PVC is overrated, sorry.
19:40 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: yeah, he's working on the foot
19:40 - =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I can hook you up to an artificial tree but as far as toes goes, I am not sure it will make a difference…
19:40 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: dern
19:40 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: I best go beat the monkeys now
19:40 - =(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple: thank you
=(eGO)=™ PurpleNurple is now Offline.
And you think Purple acts like this normally? Of course not! BUT!!! Thanks to:
Tip of the Month:
“You know , when someone comes to you all down and depressed and needs attention quickly and you happen to be in game… there is only one thing a good friend would do…
USE THE NEW AND IMPROVED “EVERREADY ANSWERS MACHINE”!!!!
This gizmo is fabulous and it will stop all those annoying little friends of yours messing your game up with their petty problems. You know when your tired of dealing with it and you just want to play but you don’t want your friend thinking you have no heart?
Then this thing is for you! The everready answers machine is bacially a steam addon that you install ( yourself), and as soon as a depressed friend comes online and starts bugging you, you enter the following command and your steam chat will take care of all that negative energy for you while you play.
Command is : Everready go
If you are interested , get it. Great tool, I’ve made loads of friends since and I still can game 30 hours a week and I read their messages when I’m done playing.
HOLY CREEPY STUFF!!!
Not long ago, something very strange happened. For the benefit of everybody involved in
what I am about to show you, I will not name the date and time nor the server this incident occurred.
Here is the official condump, edited of course, to stick only to the important parts:
=(eGO)=™ Captain Mental connected
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Hello admins, how are you today?
=(eGO)=™ Captain Mental killed Vlesh with flamethrower.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Nobody home? Hmm ok , I’ll just warm up for a minute I see 4 blu coming toward me and I have no back up.
=(eGO)=™ Captain Mental killed THE SANDMAN with flamethrower.
=(eGO)=™ Captain Mental killed SANTA CLAUS with flamethrower.
=(eGO)=™ Captain Mental killed THE EASTER BUNNY with flamethrower.
=(eGO)=™ Captain Mental killed THE BOOGIEMAN with flamethrower.
List of kills goes on…
Console: hello admins, is everybody ready for a PAAAAAAAAAAARTAAAAYYY?
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: ??
Console: hello admins, I said is everybody ok?
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Why did you ask If we’re ready for a party console?
Console: I never said such thing.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I see.
Console: CAPTAIN MENTAL, LAST WARNING DO NOT ARGUE WITH CONSOLE EVER!!!!!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Is everything ok Console? You seem a bit on edge.
Console: hello admins, is everybody ready for a GHAGHAGRAAFOOOOBOPBOP *&$
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, WHAT IS WRONG WITH CONSOLE?!?
Console: 1946 White chevy for sale, good price, father Ted previous owner, mint condition. Asking 10 000$ and subscription to the western Digital hard drive swim suit issues magazine.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: DigitalFeeling, did you hack in the system again???
Console: I’VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIIIIIIINN!!!!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: DIGI1969/ *COMMAND 174628846625/ “DISCONNECT FROM CONSOLE NOW”/*load “$” 8, 1
Console: MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Holy cows! This is not working??
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: DUNK182, is that you then??
Console: HEHEHEHAHAHAHOHOHO!!!
=(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling connected
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: DUNK182/*COMMAND 189928771/ “STOP SCREWING AROUND WITH CONSOLE”/MEEP MEEP MEEP.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: Did you call me Captain?
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Um… no
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: Somethings connected me to this server in a most unual unknown circumstance. Accessing my database now: <<<<<
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Hmm, this is very intriguing.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: “ =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: DIGI1969/ *COMMAND 174628846625/ “DISCONNECT FROM CONSOLE NOW”/*load “$” 8, 1”. Captain I am not impersonating console, I am not yet programmed for this activity.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I see that now, it must have been DUNK182.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: GA GA GA GA ***!!!!!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: What now?
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: Sorry , power surge…
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Ok so Console seems to have stopped now.
=(eG)=™ Dunk182 connected
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: There he is, his cortex must have picked up the command as well.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Dunk, this is not serious, why do you do that??
(ADMINS) =(eG)=™ Dunk182: waf goin on, i’ve done noffin!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Oh come on Dunk, It had to be you all along.
Console: Nope, STRIKE TWO CAPTAIN!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: o.0
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: GREAT SCOTT!!
(ADMINS) =(eG)=™ Dunk182: Captain, waf is going on, why am I here?
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Console is acting up Dunk, I thought it was Digi or you messing around but, looks like it is something else.
Console: You came up with that all by yourself Mental??
=(eG)=™ Dunk182: LOL
=(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: What, I don’t get the humor in this last comment?
=(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: DIGI1969/*COMMAND 773663/”GET JOKE AND LAUGH”
=(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: HA HA HA HA HA.
=(eG)=™ Dunk 182: Console can you add me to your friends lisf please?
Console: Kicked Player =(eG)=™ Dunk 182 Reason: [Wearing no socks and being just plain annoying.]
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Ok so we’re being taken hostage by
Console!
Then some more non sense occurs, we’ll skip to the important parts only.
=(eG)=™ Firethem connected
Console: THE DIAMOND IS THE HARDEST SUBSTANCE KNOWN TO MAN!!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Can’t argue with you there console.
Console: Yeah otherwise it is three strikes for you!!
(ADMINS) =(eG)=™ Firethem: HELLO CAP-TAIN!
Console: who is that guy?
(ADMINS) =(eG)=™:Firethem: ^-^
Console: Identify yourself you infidel!!!!
=(eG)=™:Firethem: Sorry I don’t understand, my English is not very well good.
Console:Stick to admin chat and don’t argue with me Firethem.
(ADMINS) =(eG)=™ Firethem: ??????
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Better do it Firethem, Console is not joking, trust me.
(ADMINS) =(eG)=™ Firethem: I sense a conspiracy!
(ADMINS) =(eG)=™ Firethem: from the US government!!!
(ADMINS) =(eG)=™ Firethem: I think the Console is CIA!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: GA GA GA GA ***!!!!!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Another power surge Digi?
Console: Ok Firethem, you asked for it:
Player =(eG)=™:Firethem is now transformed into a duck.
Console: Take that!! Stay still while I frag you, I need to stuff my pillow.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling: Um… console, if I may say something here?
Console: Sure, go ahead Darling!!
Console: Kicked Player =(eGO)=™ DigitalFeeling Reason: [trying to offer some unwanted advice to console]
Console: I FEEEEEEEL GOOD! NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NAAAH!!!!
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: Sooo….
Console: So what?
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: There is only me left in the server.
Console: Not true
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: I don’t see anybody else!
Console: Look behind you. What do you see?
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: A duck?
Console Kicked Duck: reason [Quacks all the time for nothing]
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: No more Duck then…
Console: That’s right.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: What now? AM I supposed to do play by myself and capture all points?
Console: Actually, you could do me a favor… a big favor.
(ADMINS) =(eGO)=™ Captain Mental: What do you want me to do?
Console: Dissapear.
=(eGO)=™ Captain Mental has been idle for too long and has been kicked
Disconnect: Kicked by Console.
Now it is my belief that Console might be working for a secret organization, it is not the first time I see it blowing people up in game or even activating beacons and all kinds of stuff like that. I also know someone , who shall remain anonymous for now, who came forward to me with proof that Console’s actions are really mysterious.
Who is this Mysterious Console? Maybe it is better not knowing! So everybody,
Behave in game at all time!!
The Clinic’s map review is proud to present:
Battle Castle v1
What to say about Castle Battle V1? Very simple: you don’t know what your missing until you actually try it. The gameplay is one a of a kind in this unique map. Of course if you never tried it yet, what better start than to be reading this thread’s excellent review?!
First let’s start off by saying that it took a long time to find a map worthy to review and this one fits all the requirements the Mental Clinic is looking for.
For this I shall be seconded by Kaptain Kangaroo, who was nice enough to take time in his busy schedule to conduct this map review, Kaptain welcome back to this show:
Kaptain Kangaroo: I haven't seen the map yet...ahh there we go
Captain Mental: While Kaptain is looking at the map, it is a good time for me to tell the readers that if you are looking for a gun skin for your TF2’s favourite class, do not hesitate one second to go straight to VOTE FOR PEDRO
the official gun provider for the Mental Clinic. VOTE FOR PEDRO
just PM him or check his thread out in ART WORK FORUMS! Now that this is said, on with the show
Captain Mental: While the map is fairly small , it has brilliant textures and very attractive surroundings. The maker must have spent hours and hours polishing this lttle jewel of a map. Just on textures itself, I give it a perfect score.
Kaptain Kangaroo: I find it blocky and unpolished! The capture point doesn't even work
Captain Mental: We’ll get back to that… Surely you must have a rating to give it, lets talk about that extraordinary moat!
Kaptain Kangaroo: -3 , I can see the sky down below me if I look off the edge of the world.
Captain Mental: I am positive it has been included in the map on purpose though. So what about that Moat? I believed it to be very refreshing, although I did not see any lifeforms in it, so I give it a 9/10
Kaptain Kangaroo: The moat to nowhere that blocks nothing? Unoriginal with poor clipping.
Captain Mental: Let us discuss the gameplay now: As seen before in other maps, there is always loads of strategy a team can employ. This map is not different. although it might require a bit of getting used to at the beginning since it seems than the only cap point is not responding very well.
Kaptain Kangaroo: There is no gameplay. There's no intel or CPs and the spawn rooms are campable. It's simply a bloodbath
Captain Mental: So what do you think a good strategy would be here? I say hide in the moat and wait since the water seems to not be killing you even after 2 minutes under water.
Kaptain Kangaroo: I'd encourage the team to get together and throw themselves off the battlements repeatedly until they are bludgeoned to death by the terrible graphics below in the hopes of knocking some sense into them for playing on such an atrocious map. If that doesn't work I'd suggest getting together in the respawn of another map.
Captain Mental: Dont you agree that trying to succsfully defending your base might be a little problem with that capture point not working at all? If so, I give it 8/10 still.
Kaptain Kangaroo: I'd defend the enemy base in the hopes of boring them senseless with spawn camping so that they will leave and this atrocious game can end. 1 for effort.
Captain Mental: Next now is the fun factor. Or fun level. On a scale from one to ten, let us rate this map. I give it a 8.9 just because the cap point seems to have difficulties reacting to any form of camping. Beside that I can picture epic wars without lag being an issue either. My favorites are the two access ramps in spawn, and also the intriguing moats.
Kaptain Kangaroo: 1. There's no fun to be had in this map. I see camping and snipers ruling the area and ruining what little game could be possible.
Captain Mental: Would you suggest we play this game in a special clan scrim and have the creator join us to give us a tour of his map?
Kaptain Kangaroo: We should invite him to a real map so we can dominate him repeatedly in a fit of rage.
Captain Mental: Hmm sounds a bit harsh but I guess you have the right to your opinion. I’m amazed that you give it such low score though… but it is afterall why we are both here to give both sides of the medal to our readers.
Kaptain Kangaroo: This map deserves the straightjacket award
Captain Mental: You know, I fully agree with you there!!
Straightjacket award For BEST map ever goes to Cyclops457 for his map called
CASTLE BATTLE V1
Kaptain Kangaroo: Clearly the cyclops's lack of depth perception is evident in the creation of this map.
Captain Mental: Thank you Kaptain Kangaroo for taking time off your busy schedule to shed some professionalism in this review. Hope to do it once again soon.
Surprise!! Another straight jacket award!!!!:
NORAVIC
For his comment in a previous mental clinic dating from april:
[quote1211242435=Noravic]
By the way, I am still victimized from the Mental vs. Ninja event. Remember when you accused Ninja of locking me away in a closet and impersonating me? Well, I'm still in that closet. Somehow. I still supported Ninja, but.....well, it's a long story. To make it short, I was actually locked there to be protected from any anti-Ninja forces that wanted to silence me. Well, I'm still in that closet. Hello?? Anyone there?
[/quote1211242435]
Congratulation Noravic, two of my associates will be stopping by your house to give you a ticket for a two week trip, all expenses paid, to the nearest mental ward near you. Pills and cold showers will be on the menu, have a nice vacation ( well deserved).
So this conclude another episode of the Mental Clinic, hope you have enjoyed it, please post your feedbacks, they are always welcome.
In the mean time, here is Captain Mental saying so long and don’t forget: Whatever you do or wherever you are: BE HUMBLE!
Capt M.
*with french accent* i was never really on your side!
